Can't sleep, keep having horrible dream about ex girlfriend. We talk for a bit (her hair is different that real life, but otherwise she is the same), over dinner, and she tells me about this guy she's been cheating on me with and how she's lost interest in me etc,

She never cheated on me, to my knowledge, nor would I ever accuse her of such an act. I miss her horribly and can't help wodering if she's ok. We broke up on good terms in January, and by that I mean we weren't fighting or anything, and by good terms I mean her terms - I didn't want this.

She said her parents were moving and that her best friend was doing her best not to marry some asshole and she said a lot of other things that did not apply to herself and me, but that they somehow affected her and her ability to "handle a relationship". She claimed I was the only good thing going in her life, but she just couldn't "handle a relationship" right now.

Now every time we pass it saddens me, she just turns away with the saddest look I've ever seen on her face. It makes me want to cry so badly I can't stand it. Nothing hurts me more than to think I might have done something to hurt her or cause her anguish.

I can't help but think she was lying, whether consciously or not I don't know. She gives excuses for ending it, but I really think she was just afraid. Afraid that, come May, I would leave her (there was a chance I'd be going to MIT next semester, which is not the case anymore) and she would be hurt more than if she ended it now (January). The only other thing I can think of is that she stopped caring for me or found someone else, but I think if this was the case she'd have respect enough to tell me.

I had no plans to leave her, I would not have done so, I loved her - though I never told her so. I wish so very much to just walk up to her and tell her what I think - that her reasons for leaving me were illogical and didn't make sense if they were in fact the truth. If she was having trouble, she should let me help. If she's just afraid, I would tell her that I'd never leave her, that I love her, and that she makes me feel more complete and happier than any woman ever has or can. Instead I'm telling it to you, the random internet reader who happens to pass by this log.

Why? I don't know, maybe it's easier to tell random strangers, I know it's easier to say things electronically - it's almost as though you won't have to deal with the consequences of saying it, like it wasn't real because it didn't come from your mouth.

Kristin - if you read this, I love you, and I miss you. And given the chance, I'd be with you for as long as you're willing.