Testosterone levels in water buffalo and humans : a study

Norbert Frt. Fathead, Phd., Department of Anthropology and Human Ethology in CURAPF.

The goal of this study was to investigate the effect of testosterone levels in water buffalo and humans. We assumed high levels of testosterone would lead to reproductive-style behavior in all subjects. We found that while testosterone injections to buffalos increased their aggression and sexual behavior, they caused humans to run away in terror while exclaiming wildly.

Much of humanity’s research effort into health and nutrition has focused on the effects of different substances on health and behavior. Following the seminal paper “Smoking, drinking, eating pizza and taking vitamin C Bad for Your Health”, and its well known followup paper “Smoking, drinking, eating pizza and not taking vitamin C even worse for Your Health”, much research has been devoted to these topics. Our focus on the buffalo stems from the amazing fact that buffalo population had decreased from several millions to about 1000 in the year 1889, and has now grown to about 350,000 heads. We figured there must be a biological cause for this, and let’s face it – we need to publish if we’re to get tenure.

100 male buffalo subjects volunteered for the experiment. All members of the herd had been given simple forms allowing them to indicate that they are unwilling to participate in it. They were asked but not required to mention reasons for not participating. To our surprise only two buffalo refused participation, and an additional one dropped out in the middle, claiming it had to go to its grandma’s wake (apparently a barbeque event). We also rounded up ‘bout 100 students.

We used simple hospital equipment – gloves, syringes, and 100% pure testosterone (extracted from several teenage geeks).

Design and procedure:
The populations of students and buffalo were divided into two groups each, all four containing 50 subjects. Student group 1 was placed, alongside buffalo group 1, in the research center’s zoo/prison. Due to lack of room Student group 2, alongside buffalo group 2, spent the duration of the experiment camped near the Nile. Members of group 2 were given testosterone injections. Group 1 was used as control. We observed behavior using concealed surveillance equipment.

With probability greater than 95% (p. > .95) buffalo subjects given the injection chased anything in sight and attempted to copulate with it or attack it. Buffalo subjects that had not been given the injection moped around, occasionally commenting on how boring the zoo was. Human subjects in group 1 seemed to stick to their cages, showing signs of depression, apathy and the occasional hangover. Subjects of group 2 seemed to run around terrified, yelling things like “Who the fuck released all these horny buffalo!?” and “Get this randy buffalo off my squippkrrrlllppht”.

As we’re currently locked up in prison (for tax evasion) we couldn’t care less what this experiment shows us. We’re going to spend the next three years here, and let me tell ‘ya: a name like Norbert Frt. Fathead don’t make friends and don’t help you influence people, here in jail.

Fathead, N., Smoking, Drinking, Eating Pizza and Taking Vitamin C Bad for Your Health, Fathead press, 1981.
Fathead, N., Smoking, Drinking, Eating Pizza and Not Taking Vitamin C Even Worse for Your Health, Fathead press, 1982.
Fathead, N., The Effect of Introducing Anthropologists to Primitive Societies on Said Societies, Fathead press, 1990.
Fathead, N., The Effect of Introducing Anthropologists to Primitive Societies on Said Anthropologists, Fathead press, 1993.

Yet another Footprints challenge