I can’t recall where I first saw this, but it’s been around many a psychology humor site:

Hello. You’ve reached the psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1. Repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you suffer from Multiple personality disorder, please press 3,4 and 5.
If you are delusional, the voices in your head will tell you what to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what you press – no one gives a damn.
If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want – please hold on the line while your call is being traced.

There must have been more entries – please node them or /msg me to complete this node.