If you ever find the woman in your life starting to talk like this to you, this Lizard advises extreme caution.

I'm not being mean or unromantic, I would simply like to point out some of the possible reasons for her using this icky mode of speech with you:

  • She believes you have the mental age of a two year-old. You are in an unequal and patronising relationship which you should quit immediately.
  • You are a two year-old. - In which case Oo's a cwever ickle baby? joo iz uoosing ze Internet-ums!
  • She is incurably wet. Dump her sharpish before she covers your bed in Beanie Babies, paints everything pink, and only lets you touch her breasts if you conceed that you're Mumsie's Naughty Ickle Diddums-Poppet
  • She's gone broody. Buy her a cat. If that doesn't work buy her some rabbits too. If all else fails let the cat eat the rabbits and find yourself a real woman.

Another relationship counselling gem from The Doctor Of Lurve