I don't know where to begin...It's been so long since I haven't written daylogs...
It's been real tough, because I had to overcome a lot of things; I've lost others and gained something else.
So, I guess I'd better start with the tip of the iceberg, huh?!
Yeah, let's get the show on the road !
I guess it all started with that night, when I asphyxiated your presence from my world, by closing a door, I had opened another...
Somehow I think I lost all competence to actually feel. It may sound odd, but I, somehow, developed this virtual veil around my soul, obstructing everything coming out, or getting in. This is some sort of defence mechanism spawned by my internal craftwork, keeping everything crystallized until I'm completely healed.
When is this going to happen - I don't know...
But I'll be here, waiting for my real life to begin, to once again delight in little bits of bliss.
Well, at least I managed to escape from My Monster's quelling. Or so I think...
I'll be here, waiting to redetect that girl who could light up a room with her cascades of laughter...
That little girl who had so much electricity flowing through, that her eyes seemed phosphorus beads, radiating pure joy.
Now, here stares a ghost of her former self. She's wondering wether she made the right choices following her supposed-wannabe job; she doubts wether all those years ago, she was ruled by her parents with an invisible remote control...She's begining to question what's the purpose of all things people are doing...
- Why does she work hard?
- Because she needs a steady good job with a nice wage.
- But why?!?
- Because she needs to provide material support for her family.
- What family?
- The one she's going to build, together with her future supposed-to-be beloved, IF she ever finds him, that is.
- And then?
- Then she'll...
- What?! - She'll get up, go to work , come home, cook, wash, play with her children/just plain talk, see the husband, go to sleep. Repeat.
- And that's it?!
- Yes, and the family car, the summer & winter vacation, the dog...
- And that's all?!
- Yes, what else could there be!?
- How about actually NOT triggering time, so it passes faster, until the day you die? How about actually LIVING? Climb a mountain, lose your breath over the world at your feet, go on a trip around the world to discover all the small things which make this world so damn beautiful ! Kiss the one you love, tell all the people you care about your feelings! Learn to play the musical instruments you always wanted to... Take those dancing lessons! Watch an aurora borealis, make love until time forgets its course, do something worth telling your grandchildren, make most of what you can out of every moment ! Who knows for how long you'll be able to put off those plans you had as a youngster...Dream, dare and DO ! Take another step out of your fake world!
Skip school today, linger in bed until noon, grab your friends, go out and have fun. Shatter your daily routine once in a while!
Call the office, say you're sick, pamper yourself and a friend, make a movie marathon all-day-long. Don't change your PJ's! Don't even get out of bed! Call your significant other, trick him/her to come asap and spend all day ravishing each other's bodies.
Go on, smash those patterns you've been pretending to call life!
Oh, but it's so easy to simply write about these things that are happening...If it could be just as easy, as actually begining the actions needed. It's hard when you lost all your reasons, when all you can do is wait for Encontrer Le Temps Perdu.
So, here I am, waiting for my real life to begin; until then, my amnesiac state is driving on auto-pilot my poor - poor body. I believe it will happen, and if it tardies, I WILL make it happen! Because I refuse to live a randomly set life.