From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Venus is the second-closest planet to the Sun, orbiting it every 224.7 Earth days.
A terrestrial planet, it is sometimes called Earth's "sister planet", as the two are similar in size and bulk composition.
The planet is named after Venus, the Roman goddess of love, and most of its surface features are named after famous and mythological women.

But of course that's not nearly the full story.

Venus is hotter than Earth, so in general chemical reactions run more quickly there. All the necessary chemicals are available, so it's no wonder that life developed there too, and in fact evolved intelligence before our ancestors left the oceans. Venusian biology is silicon-based and metabolizes sulfur in much the same way we breathe oxygen, but that's a detail. Another detail is that Venusian life is mostly what we'd consider plant-like. Given the abundance of solar energy, all life is photosynthetic, and predatory species never evolved. In the dominant species, of which more will soon be told, the females are sessile while the males are motile.

Given millions of years of head start, Venusian civilization developed far beyond ours. Venusian philosophy and art would be very hard for humans to comprehend, and their science is highly advanced but very different. Wheras humans master their environment by shaping physical objects, the Venusians - "power plants" - if you will, have trained their minds to manipulate energy and matter. So while human technology manifests in a rich arsenal of tools, a Venusian's workplace is characterized mainly by mostly invisible beams of energy and particles dancing in a complex rhythm choreographed by the Venusians' able minds.

How do I know all this? They told me. But please bear with me, this background information is important.

Once the dominant species on Venus, they became the only species. Not by extermination, but by assimilation. Other species were interbred until the best of all species had merged into a single one. And just as trees are the most evolved form of plant life on earth, so the venusians also –vaguely– resemble trees. Or maybe forests. It's hard to tell where one Venusian ends and another begins. Reproduction is mostly asexual, something we might call budding or branching. But sexual reproduction serves to recombine genetic material, and that keeps the species vibrant and adaptable.

Or kept, actually. Whether as a natural result of mutation or helped along by some genetic meddling, a terrible accident happened some hundred thousand years ago: Reproduction stopped yielding males, and the males gradually died out. This was tragic not just for the genetic diversity of the species. It turns out that many of the more sophisticated of their mental processes depend on a kind of energy that is released when there is sexual contact –pollination– between male and female Venusians. This energy flow was so important to the Venusians' mental life that most pollination occurred for non-reproductive purposes. One may speculate that the Venusians enjoyed this state of affairs, quite independent of the practical benefits.

In their plight, the Venusians have meanwhile learned to perform a similar, sex-like process by themselves. An applicable term would be auto-pollination. Though the sexual energy thus released is inferior in quantity and quality, the female Venusians have managed to resurrect much of their mind-based technology. Most frustratingly, it turns out that with just a little more of this energy, they would be able to do the genetic engineering required to restore the males of their species, and with them, their highest forms of technology, biological diversity and happiness.

With no other species available on Venus, no other source of this sexual energy was available on the planet. It was thus with great interest that the Venusians followed the development of intelligent life on Earth. By trial and error, they developed a way to communicate between planets, a way to channel the energy from their auto-pollination over tremendous distances in a specific direction. They call this Focussed Auto-Pollination, but I'll abbreviate it to FAP from now on. On Venus, the presence of a multitude of plants provides the required focus. For humans on Earth, a similar effect can be achieved by, umm, auto-pollinating in a forest. Though much more primitive, large trees have the ability to focus sexual energy. This, then, is how the Venusians came to contact me: I happened to be engaging in auto-erotic activity in a forest on a balmy August evening when Venus happened to be in our night sky; and after millennia of desperate attempts on part of the Venusians, our energies intersected, and first contact was made. The human mind becomes particularly sensitive to energy flows at the height of climax, and this allowed a sort of telepathic contact which rapidly exchanged a large amount of information, some of which I've related here.

Since then, I have frequently returned to that forest to re-establish contact, busily auto-pollinating as the Venusians do the same. But alas, while the Venusians take great comfort in having contacted a race on another planet with males who could provide the energy they need, my own efforts are not enough. The energy of one hand FAPping in the forest is simply not enough to give the Venusians the breakthrough they so desperately crave. Ideally, they tell me, a thousand males in orbit around Venus would do the trick; but they are not impressed with the progress of terrestrial space programs, and time is running out for them. Their biological clock is ticking, so to speak. But they believe a million focussed auto-pollinators on Earth should be up to the task.

So what needs to be done, and why should we do it? I'll address the second question first. Apart from charity toward a peaceful, friendly alien species on a nearby planet, we Earthlings stand to gain a lot from the effort: If we help them, the Venusians have pledged to teach us as much as possible of their energy-channeling technology. From what I've heard so far, it's a matter of influencing neutrino flows, and some possible applications would be cold fusion and anti-gravity. Imagine Earth's energy problems solved, and air travel simple enough to install in any car. Our civilization would advance by leaps and bounds with the help of our Venusian mentors.

As for our part: The next conjunction of Earth and Venus will coincide with Earth's winter solstice, December 22. On this night, a million virile Earth males in the same time zone must seek out a forest and FAP there. Direct your thoughts and sympathies to a whole planet full of females on our sister planet, desperate for the male contact that is their only hope and salvation. Make the ether resonate with the combined energy of a million FAPpers united for a common cause.

Tell all your friends! For the sake of both planets, I hope we can pull this off.