I should be a
Catholic. I mean, I'm a devout
agnostic, absolutely unshakeable in my
faith that none of us have a fucking clue, but I definitely have the
guilt complex that seems to be the defining feature of the
Catholic Church.
Confession would do wonders for me, I'm sure.
Maybe it's just that I have a terrible track record with Korean women, but I keep thinking that something is going to happen, Eun Jung is suddenly going to change her mind, and never want to see me again. My most recent cause for torturing myself with guilt and fear of being left was last Friday night. On the one hand, that was when we became "official." She kissed me (see January 19, 2003 for details) and everything seemed good. As time passed, and the elation of knowing for sure that we were a couple wore off, I started getting this nagging fear that maybe later in the night, the part I don't remember clearly because I drank more soju than I should have, I did something drunk and stupid to scare her off. I sort of knew I hadn't, but last time I was with a Korean girl and had a suspicion that somthing might be wrong, even though logic told me otherwise, it turned out my instincts were right. Anyway, thinking of that made me sure, beyond all reason, that I'd fucked things up already.
Last night, I invited her over, and cooked spaghetti for her. She seemed as happy as ever to see me. I contemplated immediately apologizing for getting drunker than I should have on Friday night, but then remembered that, my psychological complexes notwithstanding, she probably didn't even care. Nonetheless, when offering her a drink while I cooked, I didn't mention any alcoholic beverages, it being Tuesday night. "Mwo mashigo shipeo? Kola? Saida? Mool?" What do you want to drink? Coke? Korean 7-Up equivalent? Water? "Sool isseo?" Do you have any booze? Apparently, I needn't have worried.
The night went alright, except that my housemate, who is almost never there, chose that night to be at home, watching TV. Being a Korean girl, Eun Jung probably wouldn't want to be physically affectionate in front of him, nor let him see her disappear into my room with me, so I didn't suggest it, and we were forced to endure his company. I wasn't the only one annoyed by this. The first thing she asked me when I met her outside my apartment building is if I was alone... and when my second housemate showed up, a couple of hours later, she sighed and said something. I said, "Huh?" thinking she was speaking to me, but she said she was just talking to herself. I distinctly caught the word "honja" ("alone") in there, leading me to suspect that she was saying something like "*sigh* We're never going to be alone." She left shortly thereafter.
Anyway, I'll probably see her Thursday or Friday night, and we have plans to go to Muju Resort to go skiing this weekend. That'll be romantic, and I'm definitely making sure that it'll just be the two of us. Next time I invite Eun Jung over for dinner, I'll tell my housemates to make sure they have somewhere to go or someone to see at that time.