I have to go to a wedding today.

I despise weddings. I really do. All the pomp and bullshit and lots of people pretending to like each other because they happen to inhabit the same gene pool, or soon will.

Bah humbug.

It gets better though: I’m the best man.

It means I’ll be a graviton of attention. I've also been informed that I have to make the toast and give a speech.

Oh joy.

But I am a romantic at heart, and love is another matter.

So I composed a speech, and thought I’d run it by E2 to see what you thought. Let's say upvotes means it’s good and downvotes means I should flee the banquet hall when I'm done.

The Toast

*Stands up and begins tapping his wine-glass with a fork*

Love. That’s why we’re all here today, right? Love. Beyond the tuxes and gowns, the prime rib dinners and glasses of merlot, the balloons and streamers, the cake, the general pageantry and all the hoopla. Love. It all comes down to a boy”

*motions toward groom*

“and a girl”

*motions toward bride*

“looking into each other’s eyes and promising not to kill each other for as long as they both shall live.”

*pause for laugh* (and prays they find this funny)

The ancient Greeks made up a story to describe love. They said that in the beginning there wasn’t such a thing as men and women. Humans were all one gender, with four legs and four arms and four eyes and two mouths and two noses. But they grew arrogant and offended the gods. So Zeus cleft them in half, creating two creatures out of one – and one half became a man and the other half became a woman. Then he scattered them all over the world, so that they'd be forced to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other lost half. And this is what love is. It’s when these two halves finally find each other, and they’re so happy, so blissfully overjoyed, that they cling to each other tightly, never letting go, and never, ever wanting to be apart again.

So please, raise your glasses, and drink to these two lost halves finally finding each other, and joining into one.”