Life is shit as usual. I woke up at 9 AM and sat in my bed staring at the top of the wall until 12. I didn't dream at all though. I cried for close to an hour last night.
She doesn't seem to care anymore....That is enough to make me cry by itself.
I can just sit and think of that first night I went to the halloween party with her. It was a wednesday and I was going to be picked up at 6:00, but I waited outside for a half an hour before. A week before when she told me that I could go I started shaking, I was so excited.
When she told me my heart skipped a beat, she actually wanted me to do something with her. I was shivering, I couldn't stop.
I cry every night, she doesn't know this. I still love her, I still don't ever want her to be hurt. At first she still seemed like she cared about me, everyday she'd ask if I was ok. She'd call me and make sure, she even cried once over the phone when she found out how broken up I was. She says she cares, but I can't be sure.
I haven't talked to her on the phone in a week, and when I saw her Sunday we talked for all of 3 minutes. She was and still is one of my 3 good friends, but now it's not the same. As much as I miss cuddling with her, as much as I wish I could kiss her one more time, I miss the times when she would tell me all about her day. When she'd be online almost as much as I was. When I could ask her anything or say anything and if it was dumb or annoying she'd call me "silly". When she'd stay up late just to talk to me, and call me every night before she went to bed.
Now if I say something she'll ask me what the hell I am talking about. That hurts me so much... She doesn't trust me, I'm not attractive to her anymore. She'll probably end up reading this and get pissed at me again. I cry out for help from her so subtle-like. She doesn't notice, or she doesn't care. I'm not her hero anymore, I did save her, but she doesn't care anymore. Love? Isn't love supposed to be forever, she even told me one day she loved me unconditionally. Unconditional love is false. Love is convenient, at a whim.
I can't trust anyone when they say that anymore, I truly do love her, she calls it obsession.
It would be obsession if I stalked her and called her all the time. I don't do that because I respect her.
I am the epitome of the heartbroken guy...
It's been almost 3 weeks, and I still don't know what to do.
I can never trust anyone as much as I trusted her ever again...I lost my heart and soul when I put them into her.
I know if she reads this she will be angry. I'm not gonna keep lying to her and myself and act ok. Is it so bad that I truly care about her? She once told me she loved me no matter what...she doesn't anymore. I never hit her, never yelled, never fought. I hate being nice.
Everything reminds me of her, it's out of my control.... I need something to happen, anything to make this better. I'm sorry I ever told Brian those things, but I fear she will never forgive me, and never trust me again. She's so wonderful and beautiful and everything... This sucks...