This morning I said hello to my mother for the first time since Sunday. It was the first time I had seen her since then. I had no idea how good it would feel to not see my mom for almost an entire week. That sounds so mean but I am so tired of her worrying and stressing over my life that it makes life in general so much more peaceful when I don't see her. Doesn't that sound awful? Sorry mom.
Anyone who has ever read more than one node of mine is aware that my fiance (ex-fiance, I suppose) died. And most of you probably know that he took his own life. But something that I don't talk about too often is how stressful my life was while he was alive, especially towards the end and that I had a mini breakdown of sorts and ended up in the hospital myself. Ever since I had that brief lapse of mental with-it-ness my mother has been a nervous wreck. She is constantly thinking that I am going to flip out again. The thing is her constant worry is probably the only thing that will drive me over the edge. I think it has actually turned into a convenience for her. Everytime some new and exciting opportunity appears in my life that she doesn't want me to do she tells me that she is worried that it will be too much for me, that I will fall to pieces and end up in the hospital again. I hate being sold short. I hate the way that her worry makes me feel guilty. I hate that passive aggressive crap she puts me through. Sometimes I wonder how I will keep sane when the odds are so strongly stacked against me. Just think, if every day of your life someone hovered around you worrying that you were going to go insane wouldn't you start to question your own strength? Well, that's bullshit. There's nothing wrong with me. There never really was, I just had too much to handle and this would have happened to anyone, so
Get off my fucking back. I've had it.
Her newest worry is that I spend too much time on the computer. I hate to admit it but since I have moved back home the only person that I talk to in person on a regular basis is MarilynM
. It's not that I am ashamed to say that she is my friend, its the fact that she's my only friend. I use the computer as on outlet for frustration and to talk to my friends who live in Rochester
, four hours away. It's free and harmless. But she doesn't like it. She thinks I should work more, and she's right about that, but I hate my job and so I won't work more. Well I went away for the weekend to NYC
. My friend had scored free hotel rooms for Thursday, Friday and Saturday and all I had to pay for was food. I don't have a lot of money but this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am glad that I went cos I got to shake hands with some pretty cool famous people. But anyway, she thought it would be too much for her
So when I came home I found a surprise waiting for me. She actually put a lock on the fucking door of the computer desk so that I could not turn the tower on! Can you fucking believe this shit? She actually called my counselor and talked to her. I had an appointment with her today and she told me I should move out. Well duh!!
I am not delicate
I am not fragile
I am not little
I am not insane
But I am a flower