I remember rain like this. My daddy used to make me run in rain like this.

My Daddy used to tell me “Son, when you’re in the military, they’ll make you run in the rain, and the snow, and the hot hellish heat, and when it’s nice out and the flowers are blooming, if you stop and sniff ’em they’ll smack you somethin’ fierce, like I did just now. Suck those tears back up into your eyes, boy! You’re gonna grow to be a man.” 

My Daddy used to tell me “Son, when you’re in the military they’ll make you stand ramrod straight, and if you don’t stand ramrod straight and puff out your chest and hold your head high, they’ll shoot a cannonball right into your chest. PFWOOM! Cave that chest right in. And they’ll fix you up. And then they’ll attach a ramrod to your spine so you always have to have a straight back, even when you sit to take a shit! See, that’s why I attached it to your spine beforehand, so you’d always know how to stand up straight.”

My Daddy used to tell me “Son, when you’re in the military you’re gonna run everywhere. None of this pansy-ass walking, none of this pansy-ass driving or pansy-ass flying, no sir! You run! You run to the officer’s mess to serve ‘em their food. You run to the latrine because your own food was that bad! You run inside the buildings, no walking at all! And when you get called up, you run to your recruiting station, and then you run to the boot camp, and then you run all the way to your theater of operations, even if it’s across the sea, which of course it is because the Americans haven’t suffered an attack on their shores in fifty years! Cause we’re the greatest military the world has ever seen, and that means we get to put all our pieces all around the board, now!

“And when people ask you why you run everywhere, you tell ‘em it’s what your daddy did, cause that’s what I did back when I was in the army! Cause when I was in the army, we walked everywhere, yessir, pansy-ass walking, and I disobeyed orders, and I ran everywhere, and I got to the battlefields ahead of time. That’s why the Union army started to win, once I joined the confederates, because I would always tip off the Union soldiers to where the battle would be. They run me out of the army eventually, but by then it was too late to save the cause.

“Now, you ask me, why we’re on this island here. I’ll tell ya. This here’s where you’re gonna face the most fearsome land mammal of all time, fiercer than even man himself – this is Kodiak island, boy! This is the home of the {Kodiak bear]! It’s as big as a house, and when it roars, you can hear it all the way from Juneau! Why, I think I hear one now. Yes, there he is! Now son, you stand up in front of the Kodiak bear, and you puff out your chest and you tell him, ‘I’m a MAN!’ And he’ll back right down! Go on, son!

“Good work, son, he backed right down! Of course, that was after I clonked him a few times…but he sat down then! And you didn’t even blink! You just stood up there and…son? Son? Hello?


“Good work, son! We’ll keep practicing and you’ll be able to face down those Kodiak bears on your own. And then you’ll be on your way to becoming a man. Why, if I have my way you’ll be a man by the time you’re seventeen, and I’ll send you right into the army. I’ll forge your birth certificate, don’t you worry about that. 

“And you’ll go into the military, and you’ll be in a firefight and you’ll stand up in full view of the enemy, and you’ll say, ‘I’m a MAN!’ And they’ll say, ‘Gasp! He’s a MAN! RUUUUN!’ And they’ll drop their weapons, and they’ll run! But you’ll run, and you’ll catch ‘em, and you’ll tie ‘em up and throw ‘em in the POW camp, and you’ll run that whole camp by yourself, just stand up on a tower and look down on them and they’ll say, “Gasp! It’s him! We better not do anything!” And everyone will say, “Wow! He’s so effective, why I bet he could run a dozen POW camps!” And they’ll build a bunch of POW camps around the base of a mountain, and you’ll sit on the top and everyone in the camps will say, “Gasp! We better not do anything!”

"Now you ask me, why send you to the military if I’m trying to make you a man now? Because the military will make you even MORE of a man! You’ll be a MAN SQUARED! And you’ll stand up in front of the enemy, with their Kodiak bears and you’ll say, “I’m a MAN!” And the bears will run away. And the enemy will say, “Gasp! He scared our bears! He’s the most manly person alive!” And they’ll throw their guns down

“See, son, I’m training you as part of a secret military program. The American military wants to make men so manly that it makes the enemy surrender. Cause they figure, and I figure, why waste bullets? And anyway, I don’t like killing people – it’s messy, and why kill them when you have the chance to teach them MANLINESS? What a waste to shoot a good man down, I tell ya!

“And you’re gonna go into the military and you’re gonna be the most manly man there, even into your seventies, or else I’ll show up and smack ya! You wonder how I’ll still be alive when you’re seventy? It’s because I’m gonna live to be a thousand years old! And when I go, at last, it’ll be my choice! Death will come up to the door and say, “You called?” and I’ll say “Yessir, and if you don’t take me I’ll take you!” And Death will say, “But  -- you can’t! Who will go around as the reaper if I’m gone?” And I’ll say, Me!

And by the time I’m a thousand, you’ll be two thousand! I’ll tell you how that works, you’re gonna go time travelling! Just like the manliest man to ever live! No, not Teddy Roosevelt, not Magnus Ver Magnusson, not Patrick Warburton, not Chuck Norris. See that fellow up on that mountain up there? Standing in front of the blue police box? He’s the one who travelled all through time and space putting everything right…twice. The second time, he let everything get out of hand just for a challenge, cause when you’re the one to keep order in the whole universe you need a challenge. And when ever anyone does something or tries to start something, he glares at them and they say, “Wait, that’s him! That’s the Doctor! SHIIIIT! RUUUUN!” And they run far as they can go. And the Doctor sits up on his mountaintop, and Death stands at the bottom, and everyone tells death to go and take him, but Death says “no, no, I’m not gonna, no, somebody else go.” And the Doctor sits up there and cries, cause he can’t die. But you'll take him, son. And then you’ll be lord of the universe. You’ll be the most manly person in history. So that’s why I’m buildin’ you this here TARDIS.”

My Daddy used to tell me “Son, if you go and run up north and don’t do as I told you I don’t want you tellin’ people about what I used to tell you, cause you won’t be my son no more.”

Of course, I ran up north and did things my own way, just like a Real Man, no following orders for me. But I’m up on my mountain anyway, so don’t you go trying anything.