Re: June Picnic Plans

Dear Mistress O,

First of all, please do not read this e-mail in a public place, nor out loud in any location whatsoever. Standard procedure for our correspondence, but I just wanted you to be absoutely certain.

 Second: I have determined that it is possible to summon demons by texting them.

I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. I was about to text you part of the formula for summoning Gumdrop, but when I pressed send, the phone number at the top of the screen disappeared, and there before me was one of the pieces of Gumdrop, gnashing its thousand teeth. I dismissed it before it could devour my existence, which is why you're reading this now. 

Personally, I appreciate this discovery. You know I'm a very quiet person, and most summoning involves a lot of loud chanting. It not only disturbs every floor of the tower I'm in, necessitating a mass memory wipe at the end of each session, it is also extremely undignified. Despite what the demons prefer, I don't like to look undignified. I have determined that much of what they wish me to do -- smear my floor with elbow grease, do the hootchie-koochie dance, stop a bear from dancing, etc. -- is only meant to humiliate the summoner, without it affecting the spell in anyway. These are demons, after all. They are almost always assholes. You tell me they never ask this humilation of you. You also have a stare that could get Gumdrop himself to sit down and be quiet. I do not command this same respect, nor any, usually. I'm a mousy lady in my third decade. Nobody listens to me, besides you.

Where was I? Oh yes. Texting. It's quiet. It's also secret, to a certain extent. Silent, at least. Unlikely to draw attention. Unless someone can sense a summoning, but for some reason, whnever I use my phone to summon something there's almost no magic I can sense. Maybe the magic happens at the cell tower? Also, the cell tower near me was somehow tied in a  knot the other day. How odd.

Anyway, I can't imagine that anyone would be able to sense this sort of summoning, which means it is much easier to be bold. Why, I can be sitting next to someone on the bus and they can be blathering on about pursuing dreams, and the whole time they would have no idea that I'm summoning an entity to tell me about the details of the procedure. There's so much more I can get away with! 

If I happen to have my cell phone. And it's charged. And there's a reliable signal. I tried it without a signal, it didn't work. Son of a bitch.

There's much to be said of analog technology, isn't there? Less fancy, more durable.

There's a big disadvantage to Text Summoning, though. You can only use the characters programmed into the phone, and you can only fit so many in one message. I haven't been able to summon anything more powerful than the piece of Gumdrop -- and I'm not sure i want to. Powerful demons require circles of containment, which would render a secret summoning rather blatant in a public space. Also, I don't want to smear goat's blood all over the public bus. They'd probably kick me off.

I've only used texting to summon little demons so far, just to help me out here and there. None that can exist in this reality for more than ten minutes, nor do more than scratch my arm, and i can pay them with birdsong and Cheez Dogz. One of them demanded to posess all of my memories before I was 3, but he dispersed when I grabbed him.

I thought you should know about this, in case you wanted to keep up with your work but didn't want to exhaust yourself. You're always summoning the big dogs. What is your ambition, anyway? What's so all-fired important that would have to fill your summoning circle with the ghost of the F.A.O Schwartz bear every other day? Ah, but you'll never tell me until it's complete, I'm sure. You never let me help you on the big projects. Don't you trust my skill? :(

Anyway, let me know what you think.


Betty Bye


I must have missed a letter on my last summoning, or stupid Autocorrect happened, because instead of getting an implet, I got this weird triangle thing that keeps following me around. It has little stick-figure arms and legs and one big eye in the center, and it doesn't say anything. It just stares at me. None of my dismissals seem to work. Help me out?


Re: June picnic plans

My dearest and most trustworthy vassal,

First of all, do not leave your house. I am coming to you. Ideally, do not even leave your room. Also, do not turn around too quickly, lest you get a glimpse of something you will regret. 

Secondly, do not summon any more demons until I meet you. Not even an implet. Do not give the demon behind you any more incentive or opportunity to eviscerate you. Besides which, yes, you did cause the cell tower to be tied in a knot, and all the others are by now twisted beyond recognition. Do you ever look up from your cell phone? Thank goodness you don't drive. Also, stop summoning demons in public places. You have no ide who's watching. I am aware that bus patrons are used to the abnormal, but their apathy is not guaranteed. How long before they begin to wonder about you?

Thirdly, if you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will hear of it, I will trace the word back to you, and I will kill you.

For I have been paying attention to the youngest generation, even if you haven't. I am aware of how disaffected and angry they are, how ridiculed, distrusted, brutalized and intimidated. Can you imagine what they would do if they got hold of this information? They'd probably manage to collectively summon Gumdrop without realizing it. And without a circle. Hell, most of them probably wouldn't bother to use circles. So either half of the continent vanishes, or millions of young adults die horrifically, or both. Keep your trap shut!

Actually, if that happens killing you won't solve anything. Maybe I'll just put you in the stocks and throw tomatoes at you while the world burns.

Actually...I can't say I would mind having you by my side while we rebuild the world. But I am aware that millions of people would have to die first. 

I'll have to think about this.



Mistress O