"It was horrible. I sat in the big hall and put my pocket of Polos on the desk. And my spare pencil and my support gonk. And my chewing gum and my extra pen. And my extra Polos and my lucky gonk. And my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker. And more gonks with a packet of Polos in each. And lead for my retractable pencil. And my retractable pencil. And spare lead for my retractable pencil. And chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks, and the guy says "Stop writing, please."

- Neil, The young ones


Gonks are hairy little toys found at craft stalls and tourist traps. The natural habitat of the gonk is late 70s or early 80s London. A gonk is also a stupid person.

Make your own gonk!

You will need:
1 x toilet roll
2 x plastic eyes (the kind that rattle)
400 cm2 piece of shaggy polyester fur
100 cm2 piece of card
Adhesive (a strong one, suitable for paper and plastic) or a stapler
Scissors (ask your parents first)
(european standard toilet roll size is 12.5mm long by 5.5mm diameter, which gives us a outside area of 12.5mm x 3.14mm x 5.5mm *. American toilet rolls are slightly longer **)

four easy Steps to a gonk:

  1. Staple or glue the fur to the toilet roll
  2. Cut feet shape from card
  3. Glue on the feet
  4. Glue on the eyes

your finished result should look like this:
 ./^m^^^)(^~^\
 )           {
 {  ,       '(
 (           }
 )    .    ` }
 )        . ,{
 )   _  '_  `(
 }  / \ / \  (
 )  \@/ \@/ '(
 {           (
 {           (
 ( .        `}
 |   ,.  .   |
 (    ___    )
  UUUU   UUUU
If something went wrong, blame your Mum.

*I measured mine, it looked pretty standard.
**Boldra's bullshit with no basis in reality.