Also known as Dotti Primrose, Dear Dotti is the advice columnist for the tabloid Weekly World News, though I doubt that she and her letters are real.

She is usually mean to the people who write to her, often calling them pinheads and boneheads. She makes Dr. Laura look like Mr. Rogers.

The most entertaining part of the column is the "confidential" section, where she posts only her responses to the letters. With these, you can let your sick, filthy imagination run wild. Here are some paraphrased examples of these:

To Mad Scientist In Michigan: With a test tube? Are you crazy?

To Happy In Houston: Whatever you do, don't eat the banana!