let's recap shall we...
It's going to be hard to try to unmangle the events which have happened since my last daylog... but I'll try... oh yeah and I'm writing this at an internet cafe... no time to proofread
I didn't do much of anything after noding that... I didn't really touch my computer aside from to play quake 1 and to listen to music... I moved into a seedy part of town and lived with a seedy friend of mine. Without a job, I intended to live off my last paycheque while I found another job. Little did I know I would instead flounder in a drunken and depressed stupor for 2 months... I can't really tell you the events that happened over that time, but that for some reason we had a constant stream of people coming over to give us drugs and alchohol... my house turned into a party house... I was never sober past noon, and there was a point at which I hadn't slept for 4 days... Come to think of it, I suppose it's best I can't remember most of it.
I suppose nothing like this can go on without a breaking point... and, while there was many a cusp during these months, I think it was the point at which I tried to throw myself into a river in one of my less lucid moments... my friends were with me, and they beat the shit out of me... apparently at some point after that they went 4x4'ing and I regurgitated whilst unconcious... I ended up waking up covered in ditch water, covered with nicks and bruises, and one black eye...
I eventually got my wits about me enough to hold down a contractual Technical Consultant position at a local community college... I fixed their network and did upgrades on their archaic netware 4 server... this gave me the money I needed to give a couple of friends of mine gas money and ferry money....
I moved to
victoria with the best of intentions... I had secured a place to stay with a friend of mine,
craserv, with the intentions of looking for a IT industry job, and, failing that, getting a job at the telemarketing scam place his girlfriend works... I was looking forward to a new life, new friends... a way to start over...
I got here, only to be whisked away with new experiences... total culture shock... going from living a slovenly lifestyle in a skungy part of a shithole, backwater town to being thrust into a fast paced life in a medium sized city. My friends and roommates, Adian and Sadie, catered to my every want and desire... they showered me with affection, love, foriegn cuisine, drugs, and sex. I was trying my hardest to become a different person, and I had the annonynimity of being a small town fuck in a big city on my side. During which, I started exploring my sexuality, and was soon involved in their sex life.
Then Adian's house turned into a party house. He works at a computer store, and as such has the resources to set up a large website, streaming 6 webcams off of as many computers. The people we attracted in real life were the geekier of the well-adjusted party people... so people would come over to chat with our fans on our irc server... bringing with them copious amounts of booze and drugs... anyways... some aspects of my life in abbotsford resurfaced, making it hard to cope with my depression... and after a month and a half of computer-related job searching, the holidays came... during which, of course, it is nigh impossible to look for work... the week adian and sadie had off during the holidays proved to be a test of my roommates patience, and some events at a party (including myself being punched in the nose) started to bring back the demons in my head... I started feeling unwanted and unwelcome, as Adian and Sadie were no longer trying to go out of their way to make me happy (which they were doing when I wasn't really all that depressed).. They thought it would be best for me if I wasn't involved with them sexually... of course they didn't tell me this, and their sudden coldness to me only worsened things.
Given time to wrap my mind around all this, I know that adian and sadie love me with all their hearts, and would do anything to help me... but since I've outstayed my welcome, and my attitude has become a perpetual downer to listen to, I've told them I must take my leave.
as adian would put it, I left with a jacket, a backpack, and my dignity.
I need some time to think.
I need some time to find myself..
This happened yesterday... I slept in a bush last night... I didn't really sleep though, as it is winter here... I mostly just stayed up and stared at the sky and thought...
I wish I had a pen, because the entire time, my thinking was more clear and consice than I've ever known. It was half manifesto, half monologue, half teachings of a buddist master....
Basically I've learned the following from my first day as a street kid:
Only when you are content with nothing, will you learn to appreciate everything.
wish me luck