The elephant was once a formidable weapon of war, although in the last few centuries its use has declined. However, it has not entirely disappeared from the battlefield, and rather like the bayonet, the tank and the human-piloted warplane, I believe that the prophets who argue that the elephant is an outdated weapon are wrong.

Therefore I propose seven missions with which elephants could be tasked. I have also invented some new words.

1. Flame projector. Teach the elephant to drink pyrogel - but not swallow - and attach a fragile glass of white phosphorus to the tip of its trunk. At the appropriate moment, spray tear gas into its eyes! Voila! It will sneeze and our enemies will die. Mesmastic!

2. Cannon. Teach the elephant to suck up lead pellets - but not swallow - and feed it own-brand cream soda whilst jiggling it on a wobbling tray. Voila! The elephant will burp with the power of a shotgun. Facegasm!

3. Giant thrashing ball-bearing flame confusion bomb. Teach the elephant to drink petrol and ball bearings - and swallow, this time - and then inject it with half a kilogramme of LSD! Voila! It will run around, crushing our enemies, before collapsing to the ground and exploding with a massive 'crump' noise like in comics and that experiment where they injected the elephant with LSD and it died in a distressing way although other people say that it was killed by the tranqulisers used to subdue it in any case they were wicked wicked men for doing that and I would like to wish them into the cornfield. Awemongering!

4. Giant phallic symbol. Simply spray its trunk with a pepper solution to ensure erection - or tie off the end with rubber bands, it works for me - and voila! The result will be deeply traumatic and highly symbolic and will result in ideological victory for our cause. Formista!

5. Alien terror. Exterminate all elephants and erase them from history. Then, after a thousand years have passed, generate one from stored DNA. Voila! Our enemies will be convinced that aliens have landed, and will become subject to Carl Sagan-esque 'culture shock', and will go into terminal decline. Violas are lower in pitch than violins and are typically played by failed violinists. Effervescenent!

6. Plague-spreader. Paint them pink, cover them in glue, fire candyfloss at them! They will then look like giant sheep BUT the sugary coating will attracted FLIES! Who spread disease! We let the elephant approach our enemies, and as they try to eat it - whether mistaking it for a sweet or lamb - they will eat the FLIES and DIE because my EYES are PIES and yours are LIES! Hoola! Compelling!

7. Anti-missile shield. Simply dig your tank into a sand berm, camouflage it, and then - the master stroke - surround it with elephants. Vo! Coalition forces will be unable to use their air superiority against you. Knavist!