I want to live a life that has not been predetermined, not one that has been mapped out for me. I want to live on the edge (if that's possible in this day and age), not to take the easy path that has been pressed upon me since I was five...get good grades in high school to go to college on scholarship...major in math or science or something to get a high paying job when you are through...internships, advisors, so so safe. I'm young, I want to do something with my youth.
I want to disappear competely and never be found. I want to drop everything and leave...drive myself and whatever possessions I can stuff into my car to a city on west coast, find an appartment, find a job, make new friends, find new things to do. Create my own life.

I want to take advantage of the opportunities I have been given.
I want to make my mother proud of me.

I want to paint a picture.
I want to dance all night.
I want to make music.

I want to prove ten statements about linearly dependent vectors.
I want to write a totally worthless Java program.
I want to learn assembly language.
(Not really)

I want to be in love.

I want to fuck.

I want to lay in a hammock with wish23x, eat yummy drugs, and worry about whether the trees were dreaming or not.

I want to disappear.

It's a weird, weird feeling, knowing what you want after being lost so long. Sometimes what you want isn't what you need, dozens of Lifetime platitudes will tell you as much. Sometimes though, what you want isn't what wants you right now. When this happens, you can move along, and many do. Other times though, you stick to the spot. In these times, you might have any of a huge variety of reasons for it. Sometimes it's a pure desire for what's in front of you, other times it's a perspective thing, relatively it's the best you've had. Other times still, it's a pure stubborn nature that over takes you, something that makes you say "No, you move."

I spent a long time not quite sure what I wanted, in life, in people around me. In the end, maybe still don't know exactly what I want, and I know I can't quite word it well enough to satisfy myself. All I know is I'm tired of moving, tired of trying, tired of the bounty of other choices. I'm done with it. I'm sticking to this spot, and if everything else shifts away, so be it.

I won't leave, won't stray. There's no other place to go for me now, no other real choices. I see what I want, and I want to stay with it now. I'm happy, even when I'm not. Maybe it's immature, maybe it's stupid and wrong and all sorts of other things people say when they want you to change, but fuck it. This is my ground, and if what I want decides it doesn't want me, it can move past me. Life is good, and I'm not in any rush to change it.

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