This is what it comes down to. At this point. Long have I desired to have a friend I can call "Wyatt."
My name is Berhardt Illych Goats. Friends call me Behr. I am not sure who you are that is reading this right now, but there is a good chance that I would like to forthwith call you "Wyatt." This must be okay with you or our relationship CANNOT progress.
Let us make progress. Together.
Hello, Wyatt. How are you today? Would you like to come out and play with Friend Behr? Mr. Behr will show you the way. It will NOT be the way to San Jose. This I am certain of.
Have you recently written out a will? How about a testament? I ask that you do this before our friendship continues. This is a friendship that will change you fundamentally. You will never be the same after a weekend with Behr and the boys.
We will do things to you that you cannot understand from television and movies. You will live it now. This is your fate. Welcome to it.
Fate brought us together my tender lump of Wyatt, teeming with life. You know what feeds on life? Other life. In our friendship I will be predator and you will be prey just as the Good Lord set it up originally. We return to that now.
There is a truth we must accept moving forward. One's righteousness is measured by their financial holdings. It is the only measure. The wealthier man MUST be legally allowed to do as he please with the less wealthy man at any time he wishes with NO penalty of law. This will restore balance to the force before The Borg come after us. We will be ready. Through wealth management and the enslavement of the general populace. You will accept this, Wyatt. Once you do, our friendship can progress. That friendship comes with fringe benefits you can enjoy.
You will now process acceptance of this. Good. Good.
I see so many change in you already. Our bond has been good for you. Better decisions you are making. Good. You are learning from me. Our relationship will progress FURTHER now.
Welcome to my place. My home. Come in. Sit down.
Let me taste your earlobe.
Nice. Sweet and coppery the taste as I bite clean through. You like that. Don't deny it. Goodbye Wyatt's earlobe. Bub-bye!
Such a positive relationship we are developing.
Now, take off your clothes. Go and shower. Get everythng nice and clean. We are going to eat together. You will dine on boiled human toddler with me. Look at the head encased in a jar. The fluid keeps the face fresh. It watches you eat the meat from the body formerly in its possession. The head is not alive. Look at the dead eyes. Yours will be much the same after this meal. This meal will change who you are. Dessert will change you further.
I will give you time to process this. I provide a safe space for you to go into for up to five minutes at a time if I become too intense for you. After your break, will will resume. Friendship. Bonding. Changing.
Towel off now, please.
Thank you, Wyatt. I am glad you enjoyed my shower. The water pressure is very good here.
Have another portion of meat.
Caring is what I will show you. A good deal of caring. The kind of caring you didn't receive from your parents. I will provide to it you now. Tuck in your shirt. Look proper. Sit upright in your chair. Prepare for guests.
I have captured an ex-lover of yours and beat them senseless. I now present them to you, bloodied and damaged. What shall I do? Shall we end them? You decide. This is a kindness I show you. Welcome to kindness. Perhaps it is new to you.
Kindess and friendship. Hand in hand. Welcome to it.
We can embrace now, but then you must finish your dinner. Close your eyes and pretend it is chicken. Your soul can sort it out later on. I will give you time to process. Five minutes in the safe space and you'll be ready for more. There will be so much more.
Have some shrimp. When you come, I will purchase a platter. They come pre-prepared at the supermarket. Always good after eating an innocent infant.
We are so human, are we not? You and me? Indeed. Thank you.
Please, be seated.
When I have a friend over for coffee, I like to punch them repeatedly in the face. I want you to sit there and I want you to take it. One punch in the face after another. Full force punched. Closed fist. You will settle in.
You will accept this as an important part of our friendship. There will be regular occasions where I will repeatedly punch you in the face to prove my friendship oath to you. And you will sit there. And you will take it. This will prove our friendship. I give you now time to process this. It is different from what you are used to because what I offer is what is RIGHT.
Eventually you will be crawling through your own blood on my living room floor with me standing over you. This is what is RIGHT in a friendship. I offer you proof.
It is there if you look for it. Reality. A nice punch in the face.
Come on over. I am open in my new showroom. I took this house I now live in by force. From a family with children. Now I eat. You will join me. New potatoes served with chive butter and child. Good eating.
I have a small, three foot by three foot by three foot room. Here is where I will shove you when I am tired of you. In there you can dwell on your feelings about our friendship. You will process. You will accept. Come on out and I will punch you in the face some more. You need it now. Dependency develops.
After that, easy peasy. You will mow my lawn while in a state where you are lapsing in and out of consciousness. One slip and you are under the blades. I will personally place the lawnmower on top of you while it is going. A gas powered motor. I will show you the power of fossil fuels. I will make you have a dependency on gasoline. A sickness pervades. You have it now. Mine are you.
Soon you will become so dependent on me that you will be diagnosed by a quack as having Stockholm Syndrome. But even though you are restrained and severely bullied into the activities that make up our friendship we are still friends. It is VOLUNTARY but with dependency. You love me now. Love and dependency. Same thing. Process this. Accept this. We move forward.
And now it is time for you to clean my entire bathroom in the nude. Do it. Do it now. I will film this and send it to your high school. I want to turn your life into a living hell, a nightmare that never ends. As many times as I pull out your fingernails by inserting a reed under the nail and poking and prodding and then yanking it right the fuck up, I cannot forget we are first and foremost friends.
Friends. It means something. We have it. You and me. Beautiful thing. Love.
So soon we fall in love. This leads to more. A life together. We will spend it that way. Me and you. And your face always with holy hell punched out of it. I throw you at hotel desk clerks and tell them, "Check in while I go drink whiskey at the bar next door. I'll be bringing whores back to this hotel later!"
It is good to be my friend. Rewarding. Warm. Caring.
All of the bad in the world came about because of your birth. Remember that. If you had not been born, you would be unaware. You would be in a toilet on Mars. Probably for the best. Considering.
Remember that whatever I do to you over the course of your friendship it will be warranted. Of that you can be certain. You will be treated with kindness. A special kind of kindness known as being repeatedly punched in the face by your friend, knocked onto the floor, and then having your friend kick your teeth out. This is the foundation. Learning.
And what have you learned? You have learned that next to me you are insignificant, like the bumble bee or other unnecessary bees that we must kill off before they sting us.
Show them NO mercy, my friend.
I would love to have an international governing body TRY to step in to change the course of our friendship. Let us see them try. We are our own nation, you and I. And I am the master. You are the subservient, lackey friend.
One thing is clear. I have more money than you. I have a LOT more money that you which makes me have more value as a human being. You will be tempted to steal from me. Steps will be taken. Your fingers will be removed with a meat cleaver and no medical attention will be given other than a couple of wet towels and a fifth of gin. Your fingers will be placed in a Ziploc brand bag for disposal later. You will no longer need them. I will handle things that require dexterity. You are now dependent on me. Can you hold a burger between the two palms of your hands? You will have primeval slop that I will pour into your throat after mixing in a "smoothie machine." And you will relish it. A part of our true friendship. Kinship, really.
You will cope. You will grow. You will accept this type of friendship going forward. Let us embrace. Warmly.
Friendship is now in full bloom. I have Gunsmoke on VHS. Let me slip the first tape into the player for you. Shall I burn your feet down to rude little nubs? Don't tempt me, friend. I don't want you getting any jackrabbit in your blood. No. Not allowed. Stay. Warm here. I will stoke the fire and then touch the hot poker to your face. Yummy.
I am your shepherd. You will be my lamb. Sacrifice is good for you. And you will make many sacrifices in the interest of advancing our positive friendship. Many of those sacrifices will be parts of your body. Let us reinforce our vows with a blood oath.
Are you ready? Keep your hand steady.
You will feel SO DIFFERENT after we've been fully engaged in friendship for some time. Now you have something to look forward to. To prepare yourself now, begin eating dirt. Make sure there are worms in it. Not only do you get "vitamins" (absurd liberal myth for sure) but you also kill a living thing. Which is what God put us here to do. To dominate and kill. Twenty-four hours a day. Seven days a week. Fifty-one weeks a year (a week off for Jesus' birthday to raise a toast and a recently beheaded foe's head in celebration - this is called "Advent").
I will treat you like a chimp. In very small words I will speak. Very slowly. I will put a cheap dollar store conical birthday hat on your head and in a patronizing, slow voice I will ask, "Do you want to have party?" Will you nod? You will. Now you live to please me. This will please me. To have party.
Now I will remove your toes with rusty garden shears. I will absolutely mangle the fuck out of them. It will not matter. You cannot run away now. You will tip over. And you will NEVER wear shoes or socks again EVER. So mangled. So beautiful. So right. This is the kind of America I want to live in. Predators and prey. As God intended. Good stuff.
Welcome to my home. Let me embrace you. Step forward into the future. If you are lucky, we will order a Sham-Wow off the late night television together one night. Won't that be fun?
No escaping it now. All in flames.
The way it was always meant to end.