Would you believe it? So there I was, heading into the Briar Rose in Birmingham to meet up with those five upstanding young ladies known colloquially as The BLNoD, when I became painfully aware that I really needed to take a whizz. I decided to find where the gals were situated first however, and began hobbling uncomfortably around until I discovered them sitting at a table in the corner. As I approached I noticed that one of their number, purple_curtain, was missing. "Hi," I said, trying to cross my legs whilst standing up. "Where's Dee?"
Lorna pointed into the distance. "She nipped to the ladies'," she said.
"I must confess I'm somewhat in need myself," I confessed.
The toilets were unfortunately down some steps, but as I reached the bottom I bumped into the formerly absent purple_curtain coming back up. "Hi Dee," I said. "Are you alright?" I noticed her head was at an angle.
"Oh yes," she said. "I've got a broken neck, but I'm fine."
"I broke my neck falling down the stairs."
"Oh my God, quick, I'll call an ambulance, don't move..." I began.
"Nah, I'll be fine," she insisted. "My spinal column is snapped, but I managed to patch it back together with some chewing gum wrapper."
"You know, like MacGyver fixing the broken fuses, I put the foil across the gap in my spinal column to transmit all the sparks."
She turned around and revealed a gaping ragged wound on the back of her neck, stuffed with silver chewing gum wrappers. It was then I also noticed the torrents of blood gushing out all over the floor. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked. She turned back around. "Fine," she said as she keeled over sideways and died.
"Oh dear," I thought, but I was really desperate, so I stepped over her corpse and went to take a whizz. When I came back out she was gone, and I saw a trail of blood which led back upstairs, gradually becoming more and more sparse until it disappeared altogether. "How odd," I thought. I headed to the others to tell them that Dee was dead, but when I got to their table she was sitting there with the rest of them, glaring at me. She was really pale.
"What the...?" I began, but she interrupted me and changed the subject. I was frozen for a while, unsure of what to do. Surely I couldn't have imagined the whole thing - she wasn't usually quite this pale, and she had put the collar of her coat up as if to hide the wound. I realised that it all must have happened, and upon realising this I was utterly terrified. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to run and run and never look back, but I just bought a Guinness instead.
I sat back down, sipping my Guinness feverishly, staring with maddened eyes at Dee. I knew her secret, but every time I started to say anything about it she interrupted me again, as if she somehow knew.
Eventually, ten pints of Guinness took their toll and I had to go for another whizz. When I got there I felt some relief at getting away from all the weirdness, but when I finished and turned around, Dee was standing right behind me, looking down at my crotch with a mixture of disdain and pity. I jumped back in surprise but she just glared at me with those scary dead eyes.
"But I saw you die!" I protested. "You had a broken neck!"
She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Are you still not getting it?"
"Er, getting what?"
"I'm undead, you fool!"
"I say, that's a turn-up for the books," I said into the camera.
"If you say so much as another word about it in front of the others I'll eat your insectile excuse for a brain like that - " she clicked her fingers to demonstrate the rapidity with which my tiny brain could be consumed.
"Why? Why haven't you eaten their brains? What's going on?" I implored.
"I'm waiting," she said with a wicked smile. "I only hang out with the others because I'm waiting for them to finish their education - think of it - they'll have such big juicy brains..." At this point a wistful smile crossed her face. "Mmmmm... brains," she continued.
"Er, Dee," I said quietly. "You're drooling."
"Oh, sorry. Well, the point is, I want to eat brains."
"Ha ha, I suppose I'm safe then," I joked, "ha ha."
"Oh yes, perfectly."
I went back to the others and waited for Dee to get her round in. When she finally got up and went to the bar I leaned into the middle of the table and hissed to them. "Dee is an undead zombie!" I hissed. "She wants your brains!" I was greeted with silence and an overall air of disappointment which seemed to be directed toward me. Nobody moved for a while. Eventually Naomi cleared her throat and gestured behind me. I slowly turned around, and there was Dee staring down at me shaking her head. "Oh," I said, and tried to pretend nothing had happened. "I really like Dee's camera," I said loudly.
Another six pints later I had to go again, and this time as I was relieving myself I took to looking around the room wildly to make sure she wasn't there, swinging my head from side to side and spraying the mirrors with my paranoid slobber. The proceedings thankfully went without incident, but when I got back to the table it was empty. "Hmmm," I said to myself. Their glasses were still there, half empty (or half full as I liked to think), so I decided to look around for them.
After a fruitless ten-minute search I decided to check the toilets. On my way down the steps I saw Naomi's black hat lying on the steps. "Aha!" I proclaimed, and burst triumphantly into the ladies'. It was empty.
Or was it?
I noticed one of the cubicle doors was closed, and, unusually, there was a huge pool of blood leaking out from under it. I sneaked over and gently kicked the door in as hard as I could. There she was, the zombie queen herself, with the battered corpses of Lorna, Sarra and Sarah, all lying lifeless and broken, compacted with inhuman force into the tiny spaces in the cubicle, all soaked in a gigantic lake of their own crimson blood as it leaked from their hideous wounds, their shattered bones protruding from ragged flesh. She had Naomi by the hair, and I saw one last helpless pleading look in her eyes before Dee clonked her head against the toilet bowl, making a noise not unlike a coconut being hit with a stick. Her head split open perfectly down the middle, like a conker revealing its precious inner, and Dee scooped out the throbbing grey mass with her hands. There was a look of pure manic glee in her eyes as she slipped the soggy bundle into her mouth and swallowed it whole, rivulets of blood dripping down her undead cheeks.
"Golly!" I said. "You weren't kidding, were you?"
Dee stopped eating and just rolled her eyes. "Christ's sake, Rob," she said.
"What?" I beamed gormlessly. "Is it because I found you out?"
"I mutilate all your friends, and all you can say is Golly?" she said with a look of despair. "And what on earth did you come back here for after what I said to you?"
"Uh... remind me."
"Remember what I said I would do if you told on me?"
A worried look crossed my face as I did indeed remember, and consequently began to wonder why I was still here. "Oh right, that."
I turned to run but slipped on the blood, splashing it everywhere, wincing as it spattered all over my face and soaked into my clothes. I tried to get up, my hands dripping, my knees smarting from the fall, but all I could hear were calm footsteps behind me. A hand pulled me up, and with incredible speed I saw the toilet bowl approaching. For a fraction of a second I saw the inhuman screams etched onto the faces of the dead, then it was all over. With a noise rather like a hollow coconut falling off a tree, Dee partook of dessert.
(A quest entry)
Important! This is a public service announcement - wertperch has directed my attention to an informative website which could just save your life in the coming zombie apocalypse! Go to http://kevan.org/proce55ing/zombies