Alcohol is a toxin to virtually all systems of the human body. Your vision becomes blurry, your speech loud and slurred, and your knees become weak as you stumble to and fro trying to cross the room.

It’s funny how a vagina has a likened affect on many men.

Being around pretty girls is rather like being drunk. When you’re with them, you know you’re having a good time and enjoying yourself, but the next day they’re gone and you are left with nothing but a sense of your own solidarity aloneness and a headache. The worst part is, you know all this after the first time you do it. Whether it’s the perky set of bra-less 34-Cs sitting next to you in a cold theatre or the biting shot of Absolut in a dry heat basement party, the feeling the morning after will be the same. You (I should be saying I) will be alone, wondering why, and that thought will probably yield a not so small headache.

It’s funny how pretty girls have a likened affect on men.

It just doesn’t seem fair that the pretty girls who will go out to places with you will hardly ever be the girl who wants to (or is willing) to date you. No, the pretty girls will instead choose a candidate who really shouldn’t be dating the pretty girls in the first place. The jealous man. A man who easily gets jealous or controlling should not date overly pretty girls. Now, I’m not about to intercede on any love business, we’re talking standard social interactions with the finer sex. Casual repetitive dating, let’s call it. Guys in this situation, the ones who get jealous, shouldn’t date pretty girls because they’ll live a miserable existence for that period of time just because pretty girls are often the nicest and will spread their attention around. A jealous man would wilt with this 10% attention grant, and the blood would rush up the back of his neck whenever another guy walked by his girl.

It’s funny how an impish look and suggestive tongue can make the blood rush somewhere else.

Dating pretty girls is tough, because you (I should be saying I) hate to be the one to draw the line. In fact you put it off as long as possible. You don’t ever really want to cross that line from male acquaintance to friend, because then the doorway to a relationship has been shut and bolted and you’re driving down a different road, looking for a scenic detour, and it’s the buzz of the possibility of getting back on the main road that keeps you up at night.

It’s funny how any man can sleep with a light on.

The buzz is the dangerous part, because it's never quite as real as you think it is. Driving with a buzz is much more dangerous than driving drunk. If a person is totally out of it they aren’t going to be affected negatively by anything; rejection, humiliation, oncoming traffic—if they’re out of it completely they’ll be playing fast and loose and enjoying themselves. If a person is buzzed by possibility things are apt to go wrong, simply because they’ll be treading too carefully, analyzing too closely, thinking too complexly. They’re just more likely to crash and burn. If you’re totally out of it, you could probably walk away from just about anything unscathed; humiliation, oncoming traffic, one-night stands.

It’s funny how a car only groans like that when it’s teetered over a steep embankment.

It comes down to this—no guy on earth should date a pretty girl. The stress, the work and effort, the thought that goes in to maintaining a just neutral relationship; it’s an utter amazement men haven’t been killed off trying to live up to expectations. Guys as a group should treat pretty girls as a toxin, and form help-groups to evade and recover from them. The healthiest thing for men, on the long-term, would be to swear off all the pretty girls and never associate with them again.

It’s funny that we would still have wet dreams about them anyway.

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