found in the kitchenettes
and official offices*
around the U.S.A.
share common traits
- The grounds must come packaged in a large
tin canister or in individual pre-packaged filter-wrapped pancakes.
- Some coffee grounds should be placed outside
the filter, allowing passage directly into the
- It must be brewed at least one hour before
serving. Allow 5 hours of baking for that classic burnt taste.
- One cup must cost no more than $0.35. There
will be an extra charge of no more than $0.10 for
a styrofoam cup. (Cups are for visitors.
All good physicists have several mugs
in their offices from conferences.)
- It is never served with cream or milk, only with
non-dairy creamer in powder form.
- It must be nearly odorless.
- The most authentic deparment blends must
leave a film on one's teeth and have a strong
aftertaste reminiscent of sucking on wet cardboard.
*Some weenies have their own Mr. Coffees
in their offices and use "good" fresh ground beans.
These people are clearly well-organized,
have good taste, and have the time to be choosey;
therefore they are not to be trusted.