11/29/01: Story

Ok this is great. Bryan and I were going to get a beer and just talk before he had to work last night, but instead he calls to say he's not working and wants to know if I am willing to hang out with him, Suzy (his recent ex), and Carson (my recent ex) after Suzy got off at work at 10. I was very reluctant to go, as I had not seen Carson since our final talk a little over 2 weeks ago and had planned to keep it that way until he moved back to Jackson. Bryan said that Carson seemed to want this late meeting before he would leave town the next day. Seeing it as perhaps a kind gesture from Carson or simply a trap to get hurt, I agreed to meet anyway.

When I got to Suzy's work, Ken showed up rather unexpectedly and came along. We got tired of waiting for Bryan and Carson to meet us, so we began walking toward the bar I had suggested they go to when they first called me. We all filed in a line: Me, Bryan, Ken, Suzy and Carson. For many moments I didn't know why I was there, since I would assume that one novelty of agreeing to meet your ex out at a bar with mutual friends would be that (s)he would at least look at you, say something. Instead Carson focused all his interest at the bar on Suzy, for whom I'd known he'd had the hots for quite some time.

We try to stay comfortable, me and Bryan watching our recent exes seeming to be totally engrossed in one another. I had suggested playing a game of pool at another bar, but soon after I realized that would not have been good.

"Bryan, what wrong? I mean it can't get any worse or weirder that this, can it?"

"Well there's something else on my mind. "

"You may as well tell me."

"Well, you know that night, after the gathering, when you invited me and Suzy and Ken and sauth over and made us dinner? Well that night, Carson took Suzy home and fucked her."

That was all I needed to hear. I grabbed my coat and stormed out of there. Carson and I had had sex earlier that same night, and he would not break up with me for four days after this.

I came home, called Ted, and started freaking. Then Ken shows up looking for Bryan, as Bryan had stormed out behind me. I tell Ken the story. Then Bryan shows up and Ken shows up again. We sit and compare notes. Suzy said that Carson had a nice body when he fucked her. They made out in my apartment as I slept before he took her to his place. Bryan himself had not been told up until this last Monday, so Suzy managed to keep it a secret for almost 3 weeks. Carson could have kept it to the grave. When Ken asked Carson, after I'd stormed out at the bar, why he agreed to have this meeting, he said, "Because I'm a masochist." Carson still wants Suzy but Suzy doesn't seem to care less. Suzy had been a friend to me after the breakup, hanging out, listening to me rant and confide things in her, all the while knowing she had hurt me in a way that no woman had yet to, by fucking my boyfriend. Even if he dumped me a few days later, this was all still so wrong.


Yesterday I went outside, with my mama's mason jar.
Caught a lovely butterfly.
When I woke up today, looked in on my fairy pet.
She had withered all away, no more sighing in her breast.

You say, "You wouldn't believe if I said I did feel guilty, so I won't bother. But I am the same person I've always been. Why do you feel better? Because it makes it easier to hate me? You have far too many issues, ma petite."

I`m sorry for what I did, I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm. Every time I pin down what I think
I want, it slips away, there it goes, slips away.
Smell you on my hand for days, I can't wash away your scent.
Found my dog and you're a bitch.
I guess you're as real as me, maybe I can live with that.
Maybe I need fantasies, life of chasing butterfly.

You say "The only lie I ever told you was not correcting you when you thought I loved you."

I'm sorry for what I did, I did what my body told to I
didn't mean to do you harm. Every time I pin down what I
think I want it slips away, there it goes, slips away.

You say "Yes, it was wrong. And in hindsight I regret it. I'm sorry to have hurt you that much more."

I told you I would return, when the Robin makes his nest.
But I ain't never comin back,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

You say Goodbye.

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