Here's a very quick and easy recipe for apple crumble.

Ad-break Apple Crumble

I invented this, and prepared it within an ad-break (hence the name), the bugger takes 20 minutes to cook though.

Hint, after dinner, forget to turn your oven off. Then it'll still be hot if you want to make this for dessert.

YOU'LL NEED: One Apple
One Tablespoon of butter (25g, a little under an ounce)
One Tablespoon of sugar, any type you have handy.
One Heaped Tablespoon of flour.

In Australia, a typical prime-time ad-break will have around 6 ads of 30 seconds each, plus 2 short network promos. If the ad-breaks are shorter/longer where you are, then you'll have to work faster or more slowly.

  • Ad 1, Network Promo.
         Fly into kitchen, find a small knife, find a peeler, find an oven-resistant bowl (soup bowls are good). Cut hand on messy cutlery drawer.
  • Ad 2, Ad for frozen fish with an annoying family.
         Peel the apple within 30 seconds, cut self. Whine.
  • Ad 3, Patronizing youthful cola ad.
         Spray bowl with cooking spray (edible oil), if you have any. Write "cooking spray" on your shopping list if you don't. Accidentally spray some into your eyes. (Alternatively, just lightly grease the bowl with butter, making sure to injure yourself somehow).
  • Ad 4, Health-care ad with smiley people on it.
         Chop the apple into small pieces, discarding core, throw into bowl. Cut self again.
  • Ad 5, Yet another Car ad filmed under controlled conditions
         Turn cutting board over, throw butter, sugar and flour on it. Get flour in eye.
  • Ad 6, Supposedly Sexy ad for chocolate.
         Mix butter, flour, sugar together with your fingers until they have the consistency of breadcrumbs (this is the crumble). Get more crud in your eye.
  • Ad 7, Artful Jeans advertisement which I do not understand.
         Place mess (crumble) on top of fruit in bowl. Cut self on mis-placed cutting knife.
  • Ad 8, Network Promo
         Place in oven (180 degrees Celcuis, 350 degrees Farenheit, gas mark eleventy), burn hand on oven, grab another beer, cut hand on fridge, run back to couch. Continue watching sit-com for 20 minutes.

    20 minutes later.
  • Remove from oven, burn hand.
  • Place bowl on plate, burn hand again.
  • Put some ice-cream or whipped cream on top if you have any, burn hand on freezer.
  • Go back to couch, burn lap/legs on hot bowl.
  • Eat, burn mouth.

    It's GOOD ! Make it tonight.

    Notes - you can use other fruits if you like. Berries are good. Durian probably isn't.
    You may wish to add a very small amount of liquid/sugar to the fruit first.

    Enjoy !
  • This is what to make when your apple trees are producing more fruit than you know what to do with, which is precisely what's happening to us right now. There are bags and bags of them. Cookers and eaters. We do wrap some in paper to keep them through the winter, but there's only so much space along with the preserved fruits, dried beans, onions, potatoes, and garlic. Thankfully, it's a tasty dessert so there aren't too many complaints!

    If you've recently moved house and can't locate the kitchen scales for love nor money, it's also a winner. You can judge the quantities by eye. Yep, that's what I did here. I used a serving spoon, so one of those hulking great things we use to dish up vegetables, for the majority of my measuring, but when I say 'tablespoon' I do mean an actual standard measure tablespoon. In essence, you need half the quantity of fat to flour and oats when measuring by weight, but seeing as fat is more dense than flour or oats, when you're measuring by volume, you need a quarter. None of these measures were especially scientific.

    Reckon you can roll with me on this one?


    • 4 large cooking apples, peeled, cored, and cut into chunks
    • 2 tablespoons brown sugar
    • Sprinkling cinnamon
    • 4 serving spoons of flour, I used self-raising because it was all I could find (if going by the weighing method, it's 3oz or 90g)
    • 4 serving spoons of rolled oats (3oz or 90g, again)
    • 2 serving spoons of butter at room temperature (3oz, or 90g. Spot a pattern here?)
    • Between 4 and 6 more tablespoons of brown sugar (say 2oz or 60g), depending on how sweet you like things


    Take an overproof dish—pyrex, enamel, whatever—roughly the size of a sheet of A4 paper and grease it. I just forgot this crucial part, so we'll have sticky pan crumble. Ah well. Layer your chopped apples in the bottom, sprinkle with the two tablespoons of brown sugar and the cinnamon and mix.

    In a large mixing bowl rub the butter into the flour and oats mixture and when it resembles weird oaty breadcrumbs, stir in the four (or six, or even more if you prefer very sweet food) tablespoons of brown sugar.

    Tip this mixture over the apples and spread it as evenly as you can manage.

    Bake in a hottish oven (say 200° Celsius or 400° Fahrenheit) for 30 or 40 minutes. Then serve it hot with cream, ice cream, or custard. It's perfect for keeping out the winter chill.

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