I finish drying myself off and fold the towel
neatly, hanging it on the rack. I step into the bedroom, gather the dirty clothes
I just took off and drop them in the laundry basket
. I sit on the bed for a moment, enjoying the cool air and fresh from the shower feeling
I smile ever so slightly. A year ago the towel would be on the bathroom floor and the dirty clothes would be... well... everywhere
. Not that I place a lot of value in perfect order... I am still not as obsessive as you were... my desk is still cluttered, and there is dust on the shelves
I can no longer lie to myself
and say that I was always happy. You made me happy for a while
. But you also made me realize that happiness is not the company we keep
. You were the most intelligent person I knew and you acted like you had a great personality. But you were holding on to the life-vision you had for yourself and I could tell almost right away that I was only in it out of fear. Your personality
was molded to fit mine. It wasn't really you, and every once in a while the real you would break out. I never liked the real you
Why did I go through with it? There's a ring
that I still sometimes wear on my finger, more out of habit than anything. It used to symbolize a vow
I made to you. I went through with it because I was chasing acceptance
, a family that I never had, and an escape from the crushing loneliness
I felt because I wasn't good enough to hang out with myself.
When you announced that you were leaving it hurt me in ways I had never even imagined. Ways a person should never ever be hurt
. I begged
, I cried
, I promised I would change
. You turned a deaf ear
to all of it. You had made up your mind.
Once you were gone, however, the freedom I felt was overpowering
. I did what I wanted without you standing over my shoulder attempting to mold me
into your vision. I kept expecting the crash to come and it never did. I finally accepted the fact that I wasn't happy either. No matter how much I told myself we had the perfect marriage
, it never would have been.
That was a year ago. Between then and now I have fought the demons
of a child of an abusive, alcoholic
father. I learned to stop sabotaging
my happiness. I lost 25 pounds and am still losing weight. You, however, are calling and begging me to take you back. Flirting with me relentlessly. Acting like the person I fell in love with.
And it hurts
me to think there's a chance that you'll never know how much you've changed me