It's a sad state of affairs that the modern consumer-driven confectionery
market finds itself in. Witness the latest piece of ill-researched folly
brought to us by those nice people at Mars, the Triple Choc Twix.
Basic research on confectionary will tell us one thing: chocolate is good.
And the obvious conclusion, as your first year marketing undergrad will
tell you without hesitation, is that the best thing in the world would
be as much chocolate as possible.
Enter the Triple Choc Twix. Evidently heady from last year's success
with the (extremely tasty, I might add) Mint Twix, the Mars marketing
department, cocksure and confident, have brought us this nasty little
piece of confectionary. All the familiar Twix elements are there. Yes,
there's the outer covering of milk chocolate. Yes, there's the crunchy
biscuit (which also give the twix much of it's structural rigidity), and
the chewy caramel. But throughout the whole thing, through biscsuit and
caramel, it's permeated with yet more chocolate. It's the perfect
complement to the modern conumers' "Gimme everything! Gimme it now!"
demands for instant gratification. It's a microcosm of society. Some might even go so far as to call it evil.
Now, I don't know much about sweeties, but I do know what I like. And I
like my sweeties, and food in general to have a bit of variety, and a
degree of subtlety. The triple choc twix is about as subtle as a
house brick. The same thing applies to triple choc cookies.
"How, " I find myself asking, "the fuck am I supposed to appreciate the
chocolateiness of the chocolate, without some baseline non-chocolatiness
to compare it to?". I want a snack exprience that gives me more than just
cocoa overload and sugar poisoning. I don't want something that
compromises all that it is, all that it should be, just to cram more
chocolate into my diet. Frankly I'd rather have a
True, a simple bar of chocolate might be accused of the same thing: it's
just chocolate, pure and simple. But at the same
time, the pure simplicity of it is what makes it so good. It's chocolate.
That's what it's supposed to be. It's the nature of the thing. The nature
of a Twix should be chocolate and biscuit and caramel.
Also, I've been informed by those that have actually ingested one of
these foul things that they are 'fucking awful'. I'm not one to argue.
15:09 <call> ATTENTION Y'ALL. A a feat of inestimable daring, I am about to
CONSUME a Triple Choc Twix. Don't touch that dial.
15:10 Imprecation has a syringe full of adrenaline on standby for call.
15:10 <fuzzie> call: For the love of god, don't do it!
15:10 <allseeingeye> call - stick a gun in your mouth - its more healthly
15:10 mblase hands on call's every word
15:11 <call> Observation on opening package: squishy. Smells chocolatey. Has
made no attempt on oberver's life. Yet.
15:11 Oolong does an excited drum roll for call.
15:12 <call> I've broken a bit off and shal now proceed to taste.
15:13 <call> Hmm. Well... it's certainly chocolatey. The biscuit element
15:15 <call> Slight irregularities of vision. Shaking of hands, observed.