For some time I've been teasing friends with secrets of life which should not be revealed to a young child:

  1. There is no such thing as your permanent record - particularly in reference to threats by teachers.
  2. You know why they say never take candy from strangers? It's cause they always got candy!
  3. Promising to never smoke tobacco is not the same as promising to never smoke.
  4. There is no Santa Claus.

More things you should not say to your kids:

  1. Stay out of the drainage tunnel, that's where they park the ice cream trucks during the winter.

  2. You want me to unchain your evil twin in the basement?

  3. Of course there's monsters under the bed. They can't all fit in your sock drawer.

  4. (Sticking head out of the patio door) "If you goddamn evil clowns don't stop trying to eat my kids, I'm gonna have to call an exterminator!"

  5. You know where mineral oil and whale oil comes from... you want me to send you where they make baby oil?

  6. If you don't eat your meat, how can you have any pudding? How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

  7. So, how did Bambi's mother taste, kids?

  8. If you keep doing that, your face will stay that way. I know, I have a tube of Super Glue.

  9. Yes, that was a duck under my chair. Yes, it does stink like a fart.

I refuse to disclose which ones I actually used on my kids.

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