On Being a Good Drug Dealer

Q: Is it OK to boast about the quality of my product to boost sales?
A: Never. Your word is your bond. Do not say something is "really tight shit" unless it is. Your customers, unless they are novices, will know. Your reputation, and thus your chances at repeat business, will suffer.

Q: How much should I mark up my product?
A: It depends on the availability of the product, how difficult it was to obtain your product, the current market price and how much legal trouble you could accrue as a result of your product acquisition and distribution.

Q: What about friend prices?
A: Should you make a profit on a close friend? I think not. Everyone else? Absolutely.

Q: How to tell the difference?
A: A close friend would stand by you if you were caught trafficking/selling your respective product, including, if necessary, regular prison visits for the duration of your sentence.

Q: What's the best manner in which to conduct a deal?
A: Professionally. Remember, while this is a business of acquaintances, it is still a business. Treat it as such.

Q: Should I weigh the product in front of the customer?
A: Most definitely. Robert Frost wrote, "Good fences make good neighbors." In dealing, good scales make good customers.

Q: Is it OK for me to invite the customer to indulge in the product with me or socialize after the deal?
A: Because you are in the position of power, you can do both, but remember, customers are not substitutes for friends or an engaging life of your own. Most people prefer, regardless of what they may feign in your presence, to have as little contact as possible with drug dealers. The truth is, if the customer could go down to the grocery store and purchase his particular product, he would. Also, not everyone is as impressed by your oversized sound system and latest gaming machine as you are. The customer is there for the product. Never forget that.

Q: Should I print out business cards to use as a networking device?
A: No. Under no circumstances should you ever advertise that you are a drug dealer. Also, if possible, keep all product and any records you maintain at a separate, secure location from the one in which you reside. Product at your home should be like a steak on the grill served the moment it's ready.

Q: Is it OK to sell to someone under 18 or sometimes, maybe, cut the product slightly to increase your profit margin?
A: Absolutely not. While drug dealing is illegal in the United States, there is still an honor code, just as a code of honor exists for all professions and all human beings in all walks of life. You may breach the honor code and perhaps remain unscathed for many years, but trust me, gentle drug dealer, you will get served.

Q: Is it OK to trade drugs for sex?
A: Certainly you can make the argument that between consenting adults, it's copacetic. However, I don't recommend it. The emotional price of such a transaction, despite what anyone may tell you, is far more costly than any fleeting benefits you may garner.

Q: Should I have other aspirations besides dealing?
A: Please. Like serving in the military, dealing should not be a career. How many career military people do you know who are well-rounded, vibrant, happy people?

Q: What's the best way to hide my earnings from the IRS?
A: Safety deposit boxes at banks other than the one in which you have your main account. Also, any job that allows you to declare tips is good, such as bartending or stripping. And please, don't be so stupid as to live so far above your "real" means that you practically beg to be arrested; particularly avoid a paper trail. This means no credit cards.

Q: Once my dealing days are over, is it OK to hint at my wild past?
A: No. Unless you're a celebrity or running for governor of Minnesota.

Q: How can I be the best drug dealer I can be?
A: Buy good product. Charge a fair price. Conduct yourself in a professional manner. Practice strong customer service. And always remember, the main reason your customers associate with you is the product. You are simply a necessary segue to their altered reality.

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