1. Ask small-breasted dancers if they ever considered getting implants.
  2. Try to crush peanuts by sliding them under the dancers' high heels.
  3. Ask waitresses if there's sex in the champagne room.
  4. Try to tip the dancers in Susan B. Anthony dollars or Sacajawea dollars. Try to find creative places to put them.
  5. Ask, "Do I need cash for a blow job, or can I trade cocaine?"
  6. Put a twenty into a dancer's G-String, and take $19 in change.
  7. Fold your bills into origami penises before putting them in the girls' G-Strings.
  8. Insist that you're blind, and want to see the girls YOUR way.
  9. Ask for a lapdance for your invisible friend. Giggle in a creepy fashion if they do it.
  10. Take pictures. Insist that there's no film, and they're for your porn website anyway.
  11. Ask the bouncer for a lap dance.
  12. Offer to GIVE the bouncer a lap dance.
  13. Sketch drawings of the dancers in tentacle hentai scenes.
  14. Ask the dancers if their outfits come in your size.
  15. Ask the dancers if they've ever seen "Nudie Bar Sluts 15."
  16. When the dancer gets completely naked, shout, "STAGE DIVE!"
  17. Tell a dancer that you're casting for "Bound and Gagged 23," and you think she'd be perfect for the starring role.
  18. Walk up to the first dancer you see, sit down with a stunned expression, and shout, "MOM?!?"
  19. Pester the doorman incessantly, constantly asking that the women are "real women, for real this time." Make references to how important it is that they're real women, and occasionally allude to "last time."
  20. Ask for a lap dance "to go."

Note for the anally-impacted: This was NOT a cut and paste from an e-mail spam. I created this on the fly, with some assistance from my friends from #arstechnica.

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