I eventually stopped going to
Science Fiction conventions, and as I recall this might have been the last one I did go to. I guess there wasn’t a whole lot of interest for this sort of thing in
Vegas, and I found that kind of odd at first. I’m not sure why, but I expected Vegas to be a place teeming with well attended con’s.
The reality of the situation was quite different. I had paid 15
dollars for admission to the Gold Room convention hall at some sleazy downtown
casino so that I could get
Richard Hatch’s autograph.
Adam West was supposed to be in attendance as well and I was looking forward to pissing him off.
You see, it’s always seemed to me that most people tend to fawn over celebrities when they meet. The
plebe gets all excited and gushes about how much they love what the Important Person has done. “Oh, golly Mister West, I so loved
Batman. It was such wacky fun, and even if you did do
Young Lady Chatterley II, I still respect you as an actor.”
“Hey that’s swell little boy, did you give my
manager Johnny five bucks for an
autograph? Good, then here you go, now piss off.” You see, I believe most celebrities aren’t real interested in your sycophantic attention. They have
PA’s for that. The wonder of the fan’s adulation must wear off the first time a stunted, pale, teen falls out of your garbage can while rummaging around looking for something you may have touched. These feeling can only be amplified in an
actor who was
typecast thirty years ago and hasn’t been able to work since.
I figure what celebrities really want is for someone to treat them no differently than any one else. Towards that end I almost always refer to such
folk by their first name. I also go out of my way to try and piss them off, you know, bring them
down to earth a little. “Hey, thanks for the
glossy Adam, I loved your work in
Young Lady Chatterley II.” It remains to be seen whether they really appreciate my efforts or not.
So, I was at this pit of a
convention with maybe 150 other weirdoes. The star attraction so far was the crazy guy with the
Mohawk from
Mad Max and the lady who played Lady Hawk on
Buck Rogers. I was piffling around at the twenty or so tables trying to swing some deals for some vintage
Starwars Figures and kill time before
Apollo and
Batman showed up.
I struck up a conversation with a
dealer and quietly enquired as to whether he knew when said heroes would show. “Sorry guy,” he replied, “They both cancelled this morning. I think
they wanted more money or something.” The only reason I had agreed to this atrocious quest was to get Hatch’s autograph and upset Batman.
I was livid. He must have recognized my building fury.
“Hey it’s cool man. At the last minute we got the guy who played
Anubis in
Stargate.” I stared blankly at the man.
I could care crap less about a two bit pretty boy who had a
CG helmet on his head for 75% of his screen time in a cheap knock off of
Return of the Jedi. I had either frightened him, or confused him into thinking I cared about Anubis, for
he pointed towards the corner of the room.
I turned my head. Behind a large
cinema standup was Anubis.
Anubis was mostly naked and was attempting to pull on his Anubis
costume, using the sign for cover from the small and disinterested crowd. I
boggled. Boggling was a mistake.
Anubis looked up to see me boggling and smiled at me. It wasn’t a happy smile. It was
the kind of smile that makes you nervous in the locker room. I quickly turned and walked away, I was now on a mission to have my
admittance fee refunded. I was
super pissed about the lack of advertised celebrities and someone was going to pay. After a lengthy and loud conversation involving a short greasy man, several bored
security guards and a few intimidating threats, I gave up.
The money hungry
grifters who put on this con were not going to part with their precious
lucre.
I was defeated and decided to make the best of a poor situation. I returned to a table that I recalled had sported several unopened packs of
Empire Strikes Back trading cards. After brokering my deal I turned to leave, and nearly
collided with a tall man all greased up
like a pig at a county fair and dressed in a rubber costume.
It was Anubis! He smiled at me, gave me
a little wink, rested his hand on my arm and uttered, “would you like my autograph handsome?” in the most
stereotypically gay lisp.
I was at a loss for words. His hand continued to rest on my arm. I stared at it for a second then lifted my head and with all my mustered wit replied, “Wha…? Uhm, no.” I turned on my heel and swiftly exited.
It was a traumatizing day. I learned two valuable lessons that day.
- If you believe someone may be gay and you are not, don’t boggle at them while they undress in public. They may get the wrong idea.
- Never attempt to eat the gum from a packet of trading cards that has been sealed in wax paper for twenty years.