Life's shit unless you're rich or in love. That's a load of bollocks, all there is is shit. Some of you might have learnt to tolerate the shit better than others, some of you might have convinced yourselves that you really enjoy the taste of shit but that's all there's ever been. Take it from an eternal romantic like me, being in love isn't the answer to life's problems, it comes with a set of problems all of its own.

I once had a lady friend, loved her to bits I did but that's another story for another kind of audience. A purer love than ours there never was, I was willing to kill for her but that's another story for another kind of audience.

Where I lived with my now ex-paramour ('ex' in more ways than one- but that's, as I say, another story for another kind of audience) there'd be these lads hanging around the front of the block, you know the kind. Twenty-four year olds on child's stunt bikes. Whenever we'd go outside we'd feel the eyes of one of them on our backs, mostly on hers to be fair and if you'd seen her you wouldn't blame him, she was beautiful. Quite tall for her age, perfect 24-18-22 figure, when she smiled as she too rarely did she'd light the room with an almost lime coloured glow, spectacular.

But she was for the pleasure and coolness of my eyes alone and a message had to be sent. Well I went to see this young man on my own for a word like only it was more than his words I wanted- I took his eyes! He wasn't expecting that, he never saw it coming. While I had him on his knees the way he was there, you should have seen him, I considered augeling him, really make the punishment 'fit' the crime, you get me. But I showed him mercy because that's the kind of person I am. He'd obviously learnt his lesson, I knew he could see the error of his ways. He won't be eyeing up any little girls again like that the filthy nonce. Sure she was practically sixteen but how would he know that, you couldn't tell from looking.

As I say I can't really blame him. I like them young myself within reason. But there's still such a thing as far too young, I'm not a pervert, I know this for a fact. Whilst actively looking at pornography one rainy day I was shocked to discover hardcore child porn in among the legal stuff, just out in the open, only 23 pages deep. Now you don't want to see that in a state of arousal do you? Little girls and boys confusing you like that. Dead-eyed pre-teen girls illegally exploited for the pleasure of a load of dirty old bastards when I wanted to see dead-eyed eighteen year olds being legally exploited for the pleasure of a load of dirty old bastards. No, you don't want to see that. I was just barely able to finish. Well I had to didn't I, it's not nice having all your sperm lined up with nowhere to go.

I got one of the mates of that lad on his own as well another time and asked him up to the flat to sell me some weed. I took him into the bedroom and then I made love to him like nobody ever had before- in the backside. I took the time to make it special, make it an experience he wouldn't forget in a hurry. I pressed all of his buttons, he was practically begging me to stop, 'stop' he kept sputtering through his spit and tears and 'don't' and 'no' but all his body was saying was yes yes yes and when he climaxed there was too much for my bed sheets to contain. Spunk doesn't lie. He must have thought about that right up until the day he killed himself. It's tragic when someone so young ends it, it really is. Some people are just unsuited to life, they can't take the slings and arrows. His family can take consolation in the fact that he might never have had his life's peak sexual experience if it wasn't for me. Really makes you think doesn't it?

She was a great girl. I'll miss her, so full of the joy of life that girls of her age often display while they're still unspoilt by experience. At least that's how I knew her to begin with but as is often the case it was all a ruse to cleverly entrap me. As soon as she moved in with me she dropped all pretense and began to show me her real face. Moan moan moan, all day and all night, where have you brought me, when am I going to see my mum again, just constant yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap. I tried my best to take her ugly side into account, we've all got our foibles after all haven't we, you've got to make allowances for the people you love. But eventually it just got to be too much. My only regret..

But that's all in the past now, life goes on. You live and you learn. Disagreements happen, personalities clash, you've got to take these things into account and try not to expect too much from the other person. You men take it from me, the certain way to disappointment is to place your woman on a pedestal. It's not her up there, that's your feminine ideal and nothing in the real world will ever match up to it.

Most men will live their entire lives without coming to realize that their feminine ideal is in fact an unincorporated part of themselves which they project into the women in their life who can't be expected to know what they were supposed to have been. And that's the source of all the trouble. But I have the solution. You must do as I did.

First take a very sharp blade and slice along the midline seam of your scrotum from the perineum right to the base of your penis. Next remove both your testicles without severing the vas deferens and keep them held out of the way by attaching them to your thighs with masking tape. Do the same with either half of your scrotum, pulling them as far apart from one another as you can. Now attach a 50mm masonry hole cutter to a power drill and use that to widen your pelvis, revealing your inner vagina. As you bleed you will find yourself despite yourself gaining appreciation and empathy for all womankind. Now re-insert each of your testicles into either half of your scrotum. Keeping the testicles separate and the vaginal entrance open sew shut each half of your scrotum around each testicle. Follow my prescription and you'll no longer misunderstand women or yourself and you'll finally know what it means to be a fully integrated man.

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