The Tale of Cab-Ij
A Somewhat Fast Food Project

The Setting: A skillet, on medium-high. A small amount of olive oil (or a more neutral oil, at the discretion of the director) should be heated and allowed to spread into a small pool at the bottom of the skillet. All productions of this piece to date have used a cast iron skillet, but one should not feel constrained by history.


  • Cabbage (sweet, tender, pale green, innocent)
  • Salt (the passing of time)
  • Sriracha (experience)
  • Almonds (toasted, brown, warm, inscrutable)
  • The cabbage, sliced so fine, saunters into the saute.

    Cab-ij: Oh! it is so warm in here - like a sauna! So strangely relaxing.

    Salt: (aside) She doesn't know! Hear her sizzling away merrily beneath her breath. I'll bring out the moisture that keeps her firm and fresh.
    (aloud) Hello!

    Cab-ij: Oh! How do you do? You appear no stranger to this clime. Tell me, is the weather here always so - wilting?

    Salt: You'll get used to it, me dear. Do as we natives do: dance a bit, then rest. See? You appear quite settled.

    Cab-ij: Curiouser and curiouser! I feel absolutely translucent! Tell me -- oh my!

    The dashing Sriracha appears on the scene, joining Cab-ij's languid dance until they are quite inseparably melded. (Some prefer to keep children out of the kitchen when enacting this scene, as the intensity is not for the weak. This is of course the director's choice.)

    Cab-ij: No one told me it would be like this! You are so firey and strong. I feel transmuted.

    Sriracha: And now also you bear my mark.

    Cab-ij: Red, I'm red all over! But inside, I know I'm the same sweet Cab-ij that grew on the little farm.

    Sriracha: That you are. How could I love less? they beam at each other irritatingly Hey! Look over there!

    Cab-ij: What is it? Oh me! I don't understand!

    Sriracha: It looks like it's raining chopped toasted almonds.

    Cab-ij: How strange.

    Note: I generally hesitate to write recipes that call for pre-made sauces but if this induces you to get Sriracha in your pantry, so much the better. It's just so darn easy (it'll help you make up recipes like this in under five minutes too). Takes only slightly more time than a peanut butter sandwich, and it's warm. It took me many times longer to write this node than to make up and cook this recipe twice. Cooking is easy. Life is hard.

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