Step One: Purchase or acquire a dog. The more annoying-looking the dog is, the better. It's not worth it to have a really good-looking dog be an annoyance. People might overlook the barking if you have a beautiful and well groomed Irish Setter. Get a mixed breed with a tongue too big for its mouth, with one eye larger than the other. Make sure the dog always smells bad and appears dirty. Name it something terrible, annoying to hear when shouted, and inappropriate. Suggestions are "Aunt Ruth" or "Macaroni Pants."

Step Two: Reward the dog whenever it barks. Turn it into a game. Condition the dog to bark joyously whenever a door opens or closes within 500 yards. Play with the dog, get it all riled up, then hide in a closet. The dog knows you're there! It BARKS!! Jump out of the closet and give it some filet mignon. Good Dog!! Increase the time you spend in the closet teasing the dog. Start going out onto the front porch instead of into the closet. That dog is just as smart as you are, if it barks, you'll come back and play with your beefy treats! If you do this correctly, your hideous dog will bark whenever you leave the house, continuously, until you return! Talk about man's best friend!!

Note: If you are going to do this, please do it in Montana as I never plan on living there. Thank you.

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