It was a mostly clean 2-star motel just off the interstate. The amber of the streetlights blended with that mysterious purple glow which seeps from the clouds on those rare winter nights, casting a somber quiet on the little city. The snow was still falling. Not with the same ferocity as earlier but steadily. The next day was supposed to be day 2 of the conference. All sessions had already been postponed. Sportscenter anchors were babbling on as they do. My tea was growing lukewarm, as was my patience and interest in this day. If there's anything more lethargic than getting stuck in a snowstorm on a business trip alone I don't know it.
*
Evening started to settle in. I sat down at the desk and started rolling a joint. Why not? I was about halfway done when I heard 2 softly inconspicuous knocks. I furrowed my brow and turned to look at the door. After a moment I went back to what I was doing, until I heard 4 louder knocks. I walked to the door with a grimace. As I looked through the peephole I immediately flung it open.
"Mickie!" "H-h-hi Jay." "What are you doing here?!" She was crying softly and talking hysterically. "Renee said I did have to come to the conference, she just told me on Sunday, I thought I'd just drive home and back every day and it'd be fine but I can't drive in all this and all the hotels are sold out and I tried to sleep in my car but it's just too cold and I'm almost out of gas and I didn't bring any clothes and I--"
"Shhhh, shhhhh" I grabbed her shoulder. "Come in. Stay right there, don't move." I closed the door behind her as she stood. I scrambled around for a few seconds and came back to her with two towels and a pair of wool socks. "Strip" I said, as I turned my head away from her. "What?" "Strip, and then put this on. Your clothes are soaking wet you can't keep those on you'll get pneumonia." I continued to look the other way as I kept the objects outstreched. After a few seconds she took them from me.
*
"You can look." I turned around. She was sitting on the bed wearing one towel and the socks. Her wet colored hair fell on her shoulders like seaweed, except gorgeous. "Stand up" I said as I grabbed the other towel. "Put your hair up in this. Doesn't need to be pretty." While she did I pulled the comforter from off the bed and wrapped it around her a full 360 degrees. I put my hand against the comforter where her belly was. "Sit down." She looked at me as she did so. "Hey," I said "it's no funny business alright? I'm just trying to help you." "Yeah. I know. It's just...yeah." She bowed her head. I know it was hard for her to knock on that door, to ask for help. "I appreciate it." "Of course. Lie down for a minute. Do you want food first or bath first?" "Bath." "Good," I said. "I know you're just now getting dry but we still need to warm you up a little. I'll be right back."
*
When she came out of the tub she found boxers pajama pants and a shirt spread out on the bed, all of which fit her remarkably well. "Soup's almost ready. You want black tea? Green tea? Herbal?" "What kind of herbal?" "Peppermint or Chamomile." "Chamomile please." I set the soup on the table next to some packets of crackers where my weed used to be. She had obviously noticed it when she first came in but I put it away anyhow. "I know you're gluten free but it's literally all I have, sorry." "That's alright" she said. "It won't kill me." "No. It'll do just the opposite."
*
The old heating & air combo unit beneath the window was doing what it could but it was still frigid in the room. She sat in the office chair wrapped in the comforter, I sat on the edge of the bed wrapped in the regular bedsheet. We watched sitcom reruns on low volume. "There's something you need to know" I said, gazing down at the single king sized bed in the room. "What is it?" "I uhh.." I felt and probably looked uncomfortable. "I sleep nude. Like completely nude. I'm sorry. I've been that way for years. I just toss and turn so much, every time I try to wear something it just gets twisted up in all the wiggling and it tugs me and chokes me and I can't get any sleep. I'm sorry I promise I'm not trying to make things awkward." "No, it's fine. I can deal with it." "I can sleep on the floor or something really it's ok." "NO," she said sharply. Then more calmly, "No. And don't be sorry. I told you, it's fine. We're adults. We can handle it. I'm already intruding, this is your hotel room and it's freezing in here you're not sleeping on the floor." "You're not intruding" I said. "I let you in. You're not intruding." "Well, I'm imposing then at least." "You're not." As the show came back from commercial break we both returned our gaze to the TV.
*
"I think I'm ready for bed" she said. "How long do you have this room?" "They said they'd extend my stay for as long as the conference was extended, at the same rate. Company's paying for it anyway. I have to call tomorrow and ask if they can send me more money for food stipend. We'll see, you know how they are." "Yeah they'll probably just tell you to eat the catered meals. '2 meals a day is plenty!'" "Oh my god your Alice impression is perfect" I said through chuckles. "hmmm thanks" she said smiling.
"I have to ask you something" she said as she approached the bed. "It's kind of a hard question." She drew a deep breath "Did," (exhaling) "did you ever want me?" "Come on. Don't ask me stuff like that" I said, turning away. "Jay. Jay look at me. I'm about to get into bed with you. I know it's extreme circumstances. But I deserve to know. I feel like I've always deserved to know, but especially now."
"...It doesn't matter" I said. "What do you mean it doesn't matter? We're in a--" "You were never available. So like. I knew it would never happen. So it doesn't matter. Yes you got divorced, but I mean how was that the right time? You had JUST got divorced. And we still had professional boundaries, and we still do now. I mean I know we're kind of diagonally across from each other on the chain of command but you're still my superior, kind of. Or at least you can tell me what to do. And then there's all the other ways things could get messy and complicated. Like, I really truly value our friendship. How is it fair for me to come up to you and tell you how I feel when you're a coworker, and you're a friend, and now you've started another committed monogamous relationship? That puts you in such an awkward position. And me too. How is it fair that I would expose my feelings when I know you can't give me anything I want? That just makes it worse. And when you've been containing your feelings too, whatever they are, as much as I have." I let it linger for a moment.
"So it doesn't matter what I want." "Don't say it doesn't matter." "It doesn't though." "DON'T. Say that. Just because it's not something that can happen between us doesn't mean it doesn't matter. You matter. Your feelings matter. It matters to me." More silence. "For as long as I've known you" I said. "What?" "I've wanted you for as long as I've known you." She nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry." "For what?" "Circumstances." "Don't be. Just, don't say anything. I'm not trying to be rude. It's just, you can't really make it better ok? But you can make it worse." "Ok. Just, I want to just say that...I understand it hurts your pride to admit your feelings. And...I've been in similar circumstances to the one you're in. Not exactly the same, but I know how it feels to have to hide your feelings. And you might not want to hear it but I can relate to how you're feeling Jay. I really can. And I do appreciate your transparency. And I'm sorry." "Ok. Thank you." "I didn't want--" "That's enough. Please." Quiet. "You don't have an extra toothbrush do you?" "Sorry. I can give you a mint?" "No. It's fine. Come on let's make the bed."
*
A few hours later in the darkness. I'm on my side of the bed, she's on hers. But I can hear her, practically feel her, shaking. Teeth chattering. She hasn't slept a wink. She was always as sensitive to the cold as me. Worse, even. "Mickie." "mm?" "Come here." "No, it's...I'm fine." "Mickie. Come. Here. Please." She kept still. "I told you, no funny business. I don't want anything from you. I just don't want you to suffer for no reason. Please." She rolled over and scooted towards me. "God! What? How are you so warm?" She started rubbing her hands against my arms. I wrapped my hands around her back and pulled her closer. She gave out sharp little gasps as different parts of her began to touch my bare body, shocked at the heat I was radiating. "Give me your neck" I said, craning her head. I started blowing hot breaths onto her throat from inches away. "I'm gonna lift this up just a little," pulling her shirt up keeping her breasts covered while exposing her stomach as I pressed it against my own. The energy was nearly overwhelming, but I was focused on the task at hand. We were still bending our hips back away from one another, but she started pressing the bottoms of her feet against my legs. "Mickie..." "What?" "Come on." She pushed her legs forward, tangling into mine. We were enveloped. It was a matter of survival. "Thank you" she whispered. I glided my fingers through her hair, grabbed the back of her head with my left hand and the small of her back with my right, and pulled her in tight. "You're my medicine tonight." "I'm happy to be." It meant a lot to me to help her. But I needed the consolation of her body as much as she needed mine. And, as two huddling mammals in a wintric cave are liable to do, we slept.
*