There has been enough pain this year,
let the sun go down and forget your fear.

There has been too much pain these months,
closing doors and straightened mouths.

And there has been too little love in time,
compassion gone to ground to hide,
there have been shadows against the wall,
that light will not touch and then dispel.

So let us take torches down into darkness,
take arms and forwards press.
Purge the wound at the heart of the world,
act sweet and be bold, but not too bold,
Burn the pain and burn the darkness,
Burn the endings for new beginnings,
Confront your fear and pain unceasing.

No monster's slain if you're in hiding,
come out, come out, in brightness singing.

I dunno.

So I have a new job. That's good, I suppose. But the job ended up changing character on me wildly some 1.5 weeks after I started. I'd call it bait-and-switch except that a) it's technically a promotion and b) I was offered the option of not taking the new title, and having them hire a new person overtop of me, but you can't really say 'no' to that kind of thing if you ever *do* want to advance in a gig.

I'm managing, now (again). I hate it. Really, really hate it. I'm not sure how much of that hate is because I'm not used to it and how much is because I'm just not built for it, but I'm suspecting a lot of it's the latter. Which really ticks me off, because I'd like to do it and do it well - there's no point doing anything if you're not going to try your best to do it well. And no fear there, I *am*. I'm actually putting in a zillion percent more effort than my last job - but it's brought the depression back pretty hard.

I'm too busy to be depressed, is the mantra - but that means that in the rare moments of downtime, when I take stock of the last week or three (usually because someone asks "So how have you been?") the answer is always...either busy doing something that I don't really enjoy but need to, or exhausted and empty and, yes, depressed as hell. Because now I feel like I still don't have good things about my life - I'm still unbelievably fucking lonely, I haven't touched an airplane in like 5 or 6 weeks, etc. - and now I don't even have the time or more important the energy to fix it.

I'm not sure what the hell, now.

Still here, though.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.