If, dear reader, you are a fan of the Harry Potter books; if, in particular, you love their innocent and whimsical air; if the characters' shyness and awkwardness about romance leave you aching with nostalgia for those days of childhood innocence, then I beg you:


You have been warned.

Right then. It has been observed that the Hogwarts students seem to lead very chaste lives, given that they're trapped in the throes of adolescence. Very little snogging goes on at all, and most of it seems to take place offstage--even when it's happening to the title character in whose head we're all riding shotgun. Moreover, we don't see Harry and friends ogling the girls (and by "ogling" I mean "staring at the breasts of"), fantasizing about three-ways with the Patil twins, or indeed showing the slightest signs of anything resembling sexuality.

Now this by itself is not a problem, as we need not know every trivial detail of the characters' lives. We may assume without being told that the boys of Gryffindor eat, bathe, and excrete as needed; lusty thoughts and lengthy wank sessions are at least as common among teenage boys (perhaps more so) and need not be addressed when they are superfluous to the plot. On a more practical level, if J. K. Rowling's books accurately transcribed the thoughts of 14-year-old boys, then she couldn't legally sell them to 14-year-old boys, as they would be considered pornographic.

That's all very well and good, and your average Potterphile understands that Rowling isn't going to write us a jailbait bodice-ripper anytime soon. But this justifiable omission frustrates the dickens out of those of us whose thoughts run towards the randy.

To be more specific, if Ron and Hermione don't get together in Book 6, I think I'm going to chew my fucking arm off.

So, those of us who need to slake our indecent desires have turned to a subgenre of fanfiction known as Potterotica, which chronicles the romantic side of the Potterverse that we never get to see in canon.

(Yes, I'm a pervert, and I sincerely apologize for using the word "subgenre" to apply to something as degenerate as fanfiction. But there we are.)

Anyway, Potterotica stories can follow one or more of several basic plotlines:

There are, of course, much worse (e.g. the love that dare not speak its name with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named), but I shall not discuss these topics further as I have no wish to make your eyes bleed.

Like most fan fiction, the vast majority of Potterotica consists of unreadable swill, crafted by people who are ignorant of characterization, plot, grammar, anatomy, and the simple fact that normal people use contractions in speech. The best of it, however, is better than canon itself.

To those not indoctrinated in the ways of Potterotica, one o'erarching question no doubt remains. That is, who the shit writes this stuff? Hard to say--it's the Internet, after all, and I have no idea who's actually behind the computer screen. No doubt some of them are sweaty 40-year-old pedophiles in wife-beaters, while others are morbidly obese and lonely women. Still, if any of the author photos can be trusted, then at least some Potterotica authors are actually stunning and lusty young lasses. No, I'm not sure I believe it either, but they can't all be lying, can they? Can they?

Damn. Anyway, fanfiction sites are notoriously ephemeral, but if you're in the mood for some hot-and-heavy Hogwarts action, you might try one of the following:

  • Fiction Alley (www.fictionalley.net)
  • checkmated (www.checkmated.com)
  • The Sugar Quill (www.sugarquill.net)

Happy reading!

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