I got bored today and smoked weed (AFTER school of course).
I know why I freaked out a few days ago; I have visual static (always have) and have had a migrainish headache for a few days. I interpreted the pain to mean something was seriously wrong with my eyes and the anxiety fed off that and got out of control. Today, whenever the pain appeared I just marvelled at how it didn't really hurt, because of the weed. In fact I even pinched myself, as hard as I could, and though I knew it was "pain" it didn't feel bad, just intense... in a good way, which lead me on a train of thought that you are only truly alive when you are in pain because the rest of our experiences are so weak and vague and pain is sharp and strong. Then I decided that is similar to the thinking that goes with self-harming, and that was pretty "emo" and forgot about it (until now).