Hey there, E2.

It's been a while since I checked in. I'm in a very different place from where I've been the past few years.

My experience with bariatric surgery has, so far, been quite successful. From approximately 365 lbs, I'm now fairly steady at 201. So very close to my initial goal of 195, but no cigar - still, I'll take it! My health is better, my depression is mostly in remission (I don't like saying 'gone'), and I'm interested in things again. I just ordered a motorcycle. I'm actively thinking about future financial planning. I'm enjoying things. I don't know what's going to happen there, but i'm going day by day.

Hey, 30-year old me: it gets better. I'm sorry it's going to take a while for you, but you're not a failure, and you're going to win. The fight long fought is one worthier than the victory barely contested, right? Builds character. You're going to win.

Take care.

(Not leaving. Just...busy with things. With life.)

Just typed 1017 instead of 2017 which is indicative of how my day is going. I woke up very early, around four or so, but I laid in bed for a while because I wanted to fall back to sleep and I wanted the girls to be able to sleep. I don't remember being the type of teenager who could sleep late in the morning. Maybe it was because I almost always had to work. One morning in particular I remember clearly, my mom was vacuuming at what seemed like an ungodly hour. I wonder how much of what I do now as a parent is influenced by things I experienced as a child and whether that's good, bad, or just the way that it is.

Today I am sad. Behind the anger, the fury, the rage, the surges of white heat, I'm sad. Part of it is a sadness for myself, another part is sad for him, for my boss, for my children, for a woman I work with, I once read that anger masks a deeper sadness. I have a lot of regrets, but overall I'm glad I was able to go through the hard part of starting to unpack things that I feel. I wanted to go for a walk and didn't. I went shopping with the girls and offered to pay for some of their clothes today if they wanted an early Christmas gift. Both of them declined and my feelings were irrationally hurt.

Despite this feeling, I think it's good that I'm not trying to supress it. I'm just letting myself be sad and wondering why I am. I have some superficial answers, but not the ones I crave. Maybe there aren't really answers and I'm just hoping they are. This isn't a test I'm going to fail or anything. I can figure out that not getting enough sleep, being disappointed with the way things are at home, and having some drama at work may contribute to a low mood, especially after getting sick on a holiday when you were expecting to dodge that bullet. 

A couple people have reached out to me about my numbered list poetry. I don't owe anyone explanations, but I will offer one because I'm in the mood. I like the lists. Something about the numbers appeals to me and works for me. There was a point, years ago, when I craved feedback of any kind on what I wrote here. Those days are long gone. I will never please everyone and I don't even try anymore. I write what I went when I want to because I'm a member here and that's as far as it goes. I don't feel bad about this because it's an area of my life where I am being assertive and true to myself. I have no idea why the numbers are striking a chord with people and don't care. 

Believe it or not there are a lot of things I don't like here. I've seen and experienced an awful lot in the almost ten years of membership here. I've gotten the rare apology and issued some of my own. I have read things that I would have nuked and I happen to intensely dislike some of the formatting I have stumbled across. E2 on the whole does a poor job of nurturing writers. I have seen people grow and know that I have grown myself. There are people here whose works I will never read because I'm familiar with what they post and want no part of that.

I try to be courteous and positive, I try to refrain from attacking others personally whether in public or private, but I'm not a door mat either. I view this place as a collection of experts and emotions. You can find definitive material here you won't find elsewhere and there's enough happiness and heartbreak to round out the emotional component. There's a balance and I think there's a tendency to look down on one, the other, or even both if you don't care for someone. I would abolish the archaic voting system and keep the C! which is the only recognition that matters since it exposes a work to more people. But that's just my two cents and doubtless there are others who disagree.

Today I feel wounded and frosty, like something left outside for too long that was inadvertently injured. My heart feels on display and I don't like that either. I have more questions than answers and the answers I have and needed are ones I'm not loving. These are just my feelings, I can handle rejection and understand it, this is not high school or a popularity contest. I'm here to work and maybe a part of me is slightly embarrassed that I wrote so many daylogs instead of something more educational or informative, but this is also a personal journey of introspection and exploration and it's taken me this long to start figuring out how I feel. Maybe I seem aloof at times, but I've been hurt and that has made me more cautious.

Until next time,


P.S. I just hate this awful sort of empty and hollow feeling, being sort of sad isn't particularly fabulous either, but at least I'm confronting and admitting this instead of trying to run and hide from it. A friend of mine was going to try and get together with us, the people in the cafe were funny and I got to see Linda with the girls. Nothing bad happened, I'm just in a mild funk and could probably really use a good long nap and a cleaning lady to come over and clean up the place. Maybe she could make some warm nurturing meals while she's at it as well. I could use a homey hearty meal. Also, I have tried doing the poetry without the numbers and it just doesn't work for me. Sorry.

/me earned the C-Noders Club 100 Writeups achievement!

Hardly a big achievement when I consider that the record is 147 293 nodes in a month, but still I'm happy to have crossed that barrier. I think I'd like to make my next major goal that less than half of my write ups were written in November because at present it's probably over 3/4. For my new years resolutions, I suppose.

Thanksgiving was stressful and I really don't think it should have been. I find myself becoming more and more critical of everything and everyone around me and I can't tell if this is me taking off the blinders and just being honest or if I'm turning into a bitter shell of a person. Or both. A certain amount of that is me being more honest with myself about my own faults and the sources of those faults. I think over the last few months I've gained a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance that most people will never achieve. Pretty self-aggrandizing, eh? This might feel like an accomplishment if I had any idea what to do with this knowledge but I don't. Don't get me wrong I could launch myself at self improvement with abandon and I expect it would yield fruit but really, deep down, I don't care. I'd have nobody I'd want to share it with.

I've seen a lot of day logs from back in the day talking about being lonely and the varies attempts to fix that. I've been lonely for as far back as I can remember and most of my attempts to connect to others have ended with me feeling worse about human contact than before. This isn't even a condemnation of people in general because half the time the problem began and ended with me. I've flirted with being and asshole before and while I didn't stick with it I can honestly say I'm not sorry either. I tried it, I can understand the appeal of picking on somebody, and I've decided it's not worth making the world a worse place or developing bad habits and a negative reputation. As bloodless and simple as that.

I rarely want to connect to people and on the occasion that I do I usually want to spare them being around me. My social skills get a bit duller and myself image as an unpleasant person gets a bit stronger. I'd say that it's a vicious cycle but that might be giving it too much credit. Call it a petty, passive aggressive cycle.


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