I'm starting to doubt my resolve to finish IRON NODER this year. I wanted to write about my experience last year and even tried a few times but eventually abandoned it. IRON NODER 8 was one of the most intense experiences of my life to date, not in a pulse pounding sense but simply that I'd never written that much or that diversely in the frame of a month and I only arrived at the requisite thirty write ups because I had a few in reserve and I turn out some stuff that I really ought to be embarrassed about. I'm not sure what I expected to feel but I believed there would be some sense of accomplishment. I didn't feel much of anything ... and then I felt disappointment, and then I felt anger. This isn't the first time that this pattern reared it's ugly head. I felt the same way when I got a bachelors of history after too many years of college, when I got all A's one semester, I felt the same when I got my drivers license. IRON NODER was a bit different in that it the first time I did something to be proud of entirely on my own initiative. I don't know if it was proof that a part of me is just missing or if it's just buried under some sort of emotional complex that I can't begin to fathom but some core part of my motivational system appears to be missing.

The closest match I've seen to this problems is the concept of ennui but I'm pretty sure whatever my problem is that's not it and I can't recall ever seeing a portrayal of it anywhere, though I imagine it would be hard to get across in any medium. If anyone else has experienced this or something like it your comments are welcome.


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