Looking back:

Yesterday was not a very good day. It's behind me, I'm over it, and I'm going to move forward without dwelling on it. Here's why I think it was bad; I didn't take my vitamis. Those are essential for me. I also tried to change too many things in my life in one week. You're bound to have setbacks when you try new things. I'm proud of myself for being aggressive. I thought I was taking it slow, now I see I have to take it even slower. A good thing I want to celebrate about Friday was that I did my yoga DVD which I've been neglecting. I felt much better after that. In the past it would have made me much sorer than it did yesterday. It tired me out, and I probably should have taken a nap instead of writing, I'll have to remember that for next time.

I really want a bag for my yoga mat. This is silly because I don't really go places with it. The bag is not going to make me sleeker or sexier, it's going to take money I could be spending on debt retirement, other things I'd rather have, or savings, and then I'll have the bag, but not the discipline that allows me to feel better about myself after resisting an impulse purchase. I have an idea that somehow this yoga carrier is going to transform my life so I'll become one of the thin and trim women who diligently attends classes, sometimes I envy those women. The thing is, it isn't the yoga mat or bag that make those women people I admire, and I don't admire all of them, it's their resolve.

So I'm not going to buy a yoga bag or a new DVD because I'm not regularly using the ones that I have. I get ideas that I need certain things before I can accomplish my goals. Very often, this is an untruth I am telling myself. The other day I went outside to check on my raspberries. I'm not quite sure that the green leaves are actually from my raspberry canes, but I think that they are, and even if they aren't, I'm still excited. I was very lonely last night until I turned on the White Sox/Marlins game. From the things I've heard, I was prepared for hideous baseball, but when I went to bed the game was still tied in the eleventh inning. There was a blown call by Angel Hernandez that I'm sure I'll be hearing about for a while, but bad calls are a part of life, and I've moved on alreaady.

Another reason that yesterday did not go well was because on Thursday I went to see my sister, and the combination of the dust, pollen in the air, and her cleaning chemicals was not good for my lungs. I googled cleaning with essential oils. I'm going to start using them to clean, I have a few, most of the time I add them to my bath, but I've wanted to get rid of the harsh scouring products and cleansers that we have because even though most of them are purported to be environmentally friendly, they still bother me. There's a lot of packaging, the prices are ridiculous, and the oils appeal to me for many reasons. I feel as if they work better, they're concentrated so a little goes a long way, and the fragrances make me feel refreshed or relaxed instead of clogged.

I can't remember if I read anything in my book yesterday. I've been trying to get a better mix of exposure to different media. I listened to two podcasts yesterday, I may only have time for one today as I am supposed to be going to my cousin's baby shower. While I love my cousin, I'm still drained from this past week, I know my mom won't have a lot of food I can eat, my youngest sister wants my family to go back out to Madison, and she can take the kids, but I am just not up to helping anyone else today. I stayed up to get the dishes done and the kitchen floor swept. We have hardwood flooring that runs the length of my kitchen, extends into the dining room, and goes down the hall towards our bedrooms. It needs to be swept every day, and it gets really grimy if it isn't.

It's my step-daughter's job to sweep, and my oldest daughter's job to mop. My step-daughter has had a terrible attitude lately. She doesn't do her chores, and nothing happens to her. She had asked for a laundry basket when she first moved in so I let her use one of mine. Without asking, she took a second basket, and at first I didn't say or do anything because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was downstairs folding a batch of towels the other day. I put the towels into a basket, and then forgot to carry the basket upstairs. Who knows why, maybe I was interrupted, but I forgot, and went downstairs to find that my step-daughter had taken the towels I had folded out of the basket, put them on top of my washer, and then piled a load of clean sheets on top.

Since I didn't know there were towels until the sheets they fell to the floor. When I went upstairs I was mad because that created extra work for me, and I guess I was really annoyed because when her clothes is in the dryer, I lay it out so it doesn't accumulate wrinkles, or I wait for her to get her clothes out of the dryer since most of the time what I need to be washed or dried isn't urgent. When I was in the area she uses, she's now taken over both the back room and the sun porch, I saw that she had stacked two laundry baskets together, one was shoved down into another, and the side of the baskets were bulging from the pressure. I was mad so I dumped her clothes out, took the baskets downstairs to use, and sent her a text informing her that she could feel free to buy her own laundry baskets.

Maybe that wasn't the best way to handle it, but I'm really tired of her not contributing to the household while my children are getting yelled at for the very same thing, and they have consequences to go along with not participating. My husband has a double standard, we're all slobs at home. None of us is great at putting our things away, whether it's dishes, or things from a project we're working on at the time. My husband yelled at me, so I yelled back at him. I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have, but I'm not sorry that I did that. In the past I would have let the injustices continue, and I need to start standing up for myself and the girls since that's something my mother didn't do for her children, and that was not okay.

Good things about this past week: I got a lot done on Monday. I made a lot of vegetables, they lasted for quite a few meals, and I didn't have to spend as much time in the kitchen since a lot of things were already prepared. That helped me eat better, and feel better about myself. I did my yoga DVD, I went to the Brewers game, and didn't eat a crazy amount of food. Work went well, I have one more day, and then I'm done until the next school year. The kids watched Mary Poppins, and until it was playing, I had forgotten about how much I really love that movie. It was nice to have a sit down day at work, my day was short, so my paycheck will be small, but it was a nice way to cap off a busy and stressful week.

Goals for today: Get through the shower. Don't let myself get talked into going out to Madison. Take a nap if I feel like I need one. Keep drinking water. I already took one dose of my vitamins so my day should be better just from that. I want to go through my clothes, and really pare it down so I only have a couple of outfits. Having too many choices stresses me out, I don't need these clothes, they're in my way, I don't want to be this size anyways, and now I don't even have to worry about getting dressed to go into work, so I can really wear whatever I find comfortable. I have my hundred words in already. I have this almost done, I'm going to listen to my podcast next, and pour myself a third glass of water. I can take my vitamins with me, and I can make good choices while I'm at my mother's house. I can get to bed early, and I can have a better day because I'm changing what went wrong about yesterday. If you had a bad day, today is a fresh start so make the most of it, and I will too.

Until next time,


Going forward:

It's strange.

Why would it be that a common theme of sacrificing one's self for another is honorable?

Why would "God" in the form of "Jesus Christ" do this?

Who else in the history of our planet has demonstrated this to the fullest? Gandhi? Muhammad? Buddha?

What is it about personal sacrifice that makes my actions selfish or unselfish?

When I live to serve my own interests, I have found emptiness, longing, and a perpetual sense of non-fulfillment. Why is it that when I step outside my interests, and actually honor someone else's needs or wants, I am actually more fulfilled than I ever was serving myself?

I don't understand. Is this simply what is expected of me? Does my daughter deserve the right to search my pockets without compunction, or should I curtail her efforts as a form of discipline?

Should I let my wife lay on the couch watching shows all day, while I work a full shift, then come home and make dinner for the family? Does it matter that she is pregnant?

Does it matter whether I am truly "wrestling" with these questions, or I have already decided for myself how I will answer them?

Is it okay to let a kid under 2 years old use my hair as a stabilizer when sitting on my shoulders? Even when that usage gives me a headache?

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