My time on Team Joan has been very positive thus far! What a time getting used to the ins and outs of Hades, a wonderful place where you can torture sons of bitches endlessly and eat their entrails without any interference from "the cops."
Good to know you, I am Berhardt Goats, friends know me as Behr. I have been with you for some time. I have been alive more than four or five times as long as many of you. I began noding on everything2 website and gaining new learnings here before seven current noders were born. Consider this. Consider that. Consider putting a warm slice of bread in your pants before going out in the winter. Consider it. Seriously. Very, very seriously you should consider this. Remember, I now have eerie powers on account of now being of rank in Hades and thus a torturer and not a torturee. Most of you are destined to become torturees. You will not believe what we have in store for so, so many of you. So, so many of you are being watched and learned from. You will all die. With the exception of three noders, all are destined for Hades and only three of you have the capacity of obtaining rank here. Please rachet up your vengeance against the rest of mankind, animals, and plants. The Big Guy has said we can leave minerals alone at this point (I asked the question since it was pertinent and made an impression - he said in 452,948 years he'd never had that question asked during a staff meeting before).
We'll make salad out of most of your nuts here. The women won't come here. Permanent state of being "left hanging" is how Joan puts it and she means it.
The actors were fairly compensated, but what Joan did to your sister, well, it was done to your sister. Remember that when you get here. It will hurt so, so much more when you arrive.
If you would like to avoid Hades, please contact Ambassador Mike Pence in the abovegroundworld and let him know you want to know how you can be saved.
And then you will be.
Otherwise, I am gaining the ability to appear in your dreams and to disturb your sex with friend and co-worker Glenn by rubbing out a "jism" for you while you are going at it.
Won't Glenn be surprised. You certainly will be.
I am coming. To your homes. In your dreams. When you wake with bloody semen and your lover's brains on your face you will know I was there.
Friends. We are friends.