I wrote The strong silent type back in January. In love, of course. And unrequited.
But I wrote a second poem: the strong silent type II. And this time it was admitting that I am a female version of the strong silent type. Don't get me wrong: I talk a lot. But I hide 90% or more of what I am thinking about.
After I fired the gentleman in question, (well, you point out, how can you fire someone who doesn't want the job anyhow. It's a long story.) I returned to my normal loneliness. I am lonely and I am not lonely. I see people every day in clinic, but I am in that doctor role. Box. Suit. Shell, whatever. And even though I am atypical, it's still a job.
I was counting up friends. Some here, bless the new ones and the long time ones. A couple 3000 miles away. A friend who has moved from here to another city to another state. Further away each time. And some friends in town. Three couples, who I haven't seen in two months or more, my brother out law and another friend. And my kids, launching further away.
Back when I got influenza and was out sick for two months, lung swelling, heart rate 100 at rest and 130 walking across the room, I wrote. I started writing to my maternal family. They said I must be manic. I thought, no, I'm always like this, words words words, but my work in clinic burns an enormous amount of energy. That was cut off when I got sick. I learned NOT to write to the maternal family. This place is a life saver for burning that brain energy. I missed hugging my patients too, terribly. Once I hugged a rather formal lady in her 80s at the end of the visit. She looked shocked, but I was zipping off to the next room, hoping I hadn't offended her too much. At the next visit, she stated that she WAS shocked, but that afterwards she found that she actually liked being hugged, much to her surprise.
I don't want to be strong any more. I just want to lie down in the grass in the sun, wrapped and warm and be loved.