Very emotional today. Received a letter from a law firm the other guy's insurance company retained. Vehicular damage is $16,537.17. There is still an open bodily injury case. Today my therapist said that this bill belongs to my ex and it is his responsibility to pay it and provide me with funds to purchase another vehicle. The letter the insurance company sent me said that they were going to contact the DMV to revoke my license, my therapist doesn't think that they can do that and another person I spoke with said the same thing which really doesn't mean anything. To say that just thinking about this makes me ill is an understatement. Medical bills can be hudnreds of thousands and even millions of dollars. Injuries from accidents can require expensive and prolonged care.

These bills are his responsibility, but what happens if he doesn't pay them? I could be sued, that would be a joke since I have no money, but I would still be liable for repayment. I can't even fathom being where I'm at right now. It's like a horror movie is being played out in front of me, but instead of it being something I can turn off and walk away from this is my life. My first inclination is to give up, lay on the floor, and sob until I'm a broken wreck, but that isn't going to help anything. Instead I'm going to do what I can which is go about my life as usual. I need to find a job, I need to be financially securer and free from this kind of bondage. It may not seem like it, but like a lot of country western songs suggest, when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, and I've been along long enough to know that however bad this is, it could be infinitely many times worse. 

After I got the letter I took the neighbor's dog out for a longer week. I spent today and yesterday morning at church helping with our Vacation Bible School program. There are many who don't believe in God, but I do even though it makes no sense. Others have gone through worse and survived. I may end up with a bodily injury bill that makes the vehicular damage one look like a walk in the park. I pray that I don't, but it's a very realistic possibility. But there are still positive things to take away from the situation. First I'm not going to allow myself to panic. Losing one's cool is never a good look and solves nothing. The driver was the sole occupant of the vehicle as was I. No children were injured or killed, at least I don't have that on my conscience.

When I was at the mental hospital there was a man there who had caused the deaths of other people in a motor vehicle accident. I don't know whether drugs or alcohol were involved, it really doesn't matter, the guilt drove him to an institutional setting, and I don't know if he'll ever recover from that emotional trauma. However large the debt is, it will have to be pain one way or another. I can make money, I can still find happiness and joy in life. I am strong, everyone deals with pain and misfortune. This is a time to reach out to people I know and lean on them for some emotional support. This is why I write. It helps me, and it helps other people. I'm a good friend who has been there for others, my friends are there for me. And that is a great comfort in a very dark time. 

P.S. I called to get more tax paperwork that I needed. Felt good to check that off my list. The good news here is that I'm seeing areas where I've shirked my duties and responsibilities and becoming more accountable. I'll admit that one of my first thoughts was suicide would get me out of this mess, but thanks to the grace of God and the help from others I put that firmly behind me. Last night I took a sleeping pill and some anti-anxiety meds. I had been doing so well the relapse was upsetting. Tonight I don't want to go to knitting, I feel as if I have to confess this latest unpleasantness and there will be more people who offer advice when I already know I need a job, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting better at learned I don't have to dump everything on everyone. Slowly, but surely I'm putting better boundaries in place. 

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