Today I am very upset and angry. I'm thinking about the things in my life that I've lost, I'm loathing myself, and finding myself judging others. I'm sure part of this stems from the fact that I didn't sleep very well last night. The other part is that sometimes I get caught up in what's going wrong and how lost I've become. Jill and Jane's dad was supposed to have the girls this week. Jill is going to camp, I have Jane here for several days until her dad gets back from Denver. I don't even know how to write about how upset and distressed I am. There are plenty of good and positive things in my life, but it feels like I'll never be happy again or experience any joy. I never feel right inside of my body. It hurts and I've made things worse by sitting around instead of moving.
I need to find a job. How can such a common every day thing seem so overwhelming and difficult? I need to finish my taxes. I got locked out of a website that habitually locks me out. This makes me mad. I'm going to pull the stocks I have out of there, but in the meantime I'm going to have to call and mess around with that. No big deal, it's a freaking phone call. I should pick up the phone and just do it. The things I dread are worse than just facing them. This too is upsetting. I feel broken and in a state of such disrepair that my final resting place will be the landfill or the scrap yard instead of the thrift store. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and part of this is just hormones, but I can't seem to break the cycle.
I told my friend I would help with Vacation Bible School. It's only a couple hours a day, but I struggle with it. We had three groups of four and five year olds in two rooms and no one communicated the schedule to us. All things considered it didn't go too badly. I'm not at my best with that age group, but didn't feel like I could speak up and say something which was dumb. I read a fabulous thing on motivation that I lost the tab to when my computer crashed. It says that you have to believe that things are possible and that you deserve it. These are easier said than done. I can tell myself that I deserve to have people treat me with respect, but if there's a fundamental piece of me that doubts this, I'm going to continue to have trouble.
Yesterday I saw my father-in-law when he dropped off Jane. I had gone over the car accident scenario in my head several times. I'm owed that money. My ex will be raking in thousands from working at Summerfest. It shouldn't matter that I'm not working, he agreed to pay my car insurance bill. I would have a car or money if not for that. But my name is on the ticket and it's my license on the line if I don't 'cooperate' with him. The election is scary because there's a chance that Donald Trump could actually win. I'm leaning toward a Hillary victory, but he's tapping into something in people and it's not a moral or ethical high ground.
The answers are get a job, get my own place, grow a garden, stop spending, simplify, declutter, learn how to love myself more, respect myself, exercies, take a yoga class, find a knitting project, make friends, lean on the support system I have instead of internalizing things, keep going to my depression supprt group, eat better, drink more water, get more sleep, and start relaxing instead of being so uptight about things all the time. I'm not lonely right now, but I feel isolated and alone even though there are billions of people on this planet, all of whom are dealing with challenges and trials of their own. Many have it worse than I do. I cry when I read about the lack of food in other countries, the unstable governments, and I forget to take pleasure in the wind in the trees, the grass beneath my feet, and my own creative imagination.
It's good to be disgusted with behaviors I want to change. Without that I have no impetus to get better. But I'm battling inertia. I have come a long ways. I have done a lot of really cool things, and even if I hadn't, I still have intrinsic worth as a person. I read an article about shame being an underlying problem that is mistakenly treated like depression. I've repressed and denied my feelings for so long they erupt in a blast, shame, anxiety, and depression keep me from connecting with core emotions. I'm going to my therapist tomorrow and I can't wait to see her again. I feel selfish, like a drain on society and others. I wasted money on a haircut and getting my nails done for my interview, but those were experiences I don't get very often.
I feel better having gotten some of this out of my system. I can rest, I can read, I can relax, I can write. I can figure things out. I can call and have my account unlocked, I can apply for jobs, I can start riding my bike, walking further, I can regain control. I can protect myself better. I can work for justice, I can love my children and myself. I can take the neighbor's dog for a walk. I can surivive, I can thrive. The lawn is green, I can plant a garden. I can learn to live more off the land and leave more products on shelves in stores. I can have close and intimate relationships with people who love me. I'm going on a date on Saturday, I'm not really nervous, maybe a little anxious, it will be fun. We can have a picnic, it seems so unattainable and out of reach, but it's there, and it's waiting. I'm excited. Everyone has these days.