When I am alone, I pretend that people are around me. In the way that a child might have an imaginary friend rather than actually hearing voices. That is what I am; the child who could never grow up. It was easier to stay in that state rather than face a terrifyingly lonely adult world and it is also a state where I could be easily controlled.
My anorexia was a direct result of never wanting to be a woman; to be forced into a world of adults that according to my narrow world view, would be suffocating or abusive like the adults I have known.By restricting my food, I was restricting my growth into an adolescent female figure and therefore not having to face the inevitable growing up. I thought that there would be just those two types of adult, one who would cry and tell me how much they loved me and the other who would call me a fat cow and tell me that I was not worth the dirt that I walked upon. So that I did not spoil too much dirt and did not cause too much anguish, I tried to make myself disappear but in the act of doing so, I brought more and more attention to myself. Tinier and tinier I physically became; fatter and fatter I mentally became and certainly in the eyes of those around me. I was drawing attention to myself in the way a small child will throw a tantrum- a self destructive act.
People draw attention to themselves to boost their self esteem. Different people need different amounts for different reasons. I needed attention because the adults closest to me were unable to supply unconditional love and shew it in detrimental ways. I do not want your sympathy neither am I asking for it; the past is the past but I want you to understand that low self esteem is there for a reason. Refusal to eat food, cutting myself, disallowing myself sleep and continuous self criticism was the ways that I showed my lack of self esteembecause it was not created in the first place.
For awhile, when I left home, I thought that I had moved away from this cycle but slowly yet surely I was back in the tight grip of it. I cut myself less and my food restrictions were lowered yet I escaped into a fanstasy world where I surrounded myself with images of people that I knew and loved. I could manipulate their characters to do whatever I wanted them to do- they became my puppets just as much as I had been one. However, they do not exist,yes they exist in real life but the characters I have created for them do not which leads to life totally unfilled due to an inability to relate and interact with the real world. I am too frightened by the fact that real people exist that do not fit into the two boxes I have created for them; those who adore me and compliment me and those who abuse me.
Now, I have to be a grown-up. I have to realise that not all men will hurt me and that not all women will protect me. I do not need to manipulate figures, I need to just allow them to be.