• First, you must find a dealer. This is very important because if you don't have a dealer from which to leech psychic energy, then you'll be just another mediocre crackhead. Your dealer should be smart (or at least appear as such), confident, and pursuasive. Namely: Everything you're not, that's why you're smoking crack, right?
  • Next, devote yourself to your dealer wholeheartedly. You must be willing to do the dealer's bidding always! He wants a new deck for his car? Sure! No problem! Blowjob for a dub! Anytime, sir! This is of key importance, since you'll be a pro cracksmoker, you must act as such. See Step 1 for further reference, you moooron!
  • NEVER EVER EVER leave your dealer for another, unless he's got better stuff, for cheaper, at that. If your dealer runs outta product, dont fret! Just hang outside his house for a few hours until he either shoots you or comes cricket with some yum yum!
  • If you ever do desert your dealer, you better steer clear! Chances are, he's got a Mosberg pump or something like that, and he's waiting to stuff it down your throat and go KABOOM!
  • You will die eventually, but don't worry. Living the life of a pro crackhead is very good karma! Chances are, you'll be reincarnated as a white rhino or some other endangered species, ripe for extinction.
  • Jah is your co-pilot, never forget that, mon!
Before I get started on this little tutorial, I would like to say that smoking crack is really lame. I mean, think about it. "He must be smoking crack" has become a slang term for someone who is acting in an unintelligent and irrational manner. Doesn't bode too well for the act of actually smoking crack, now does it? On top of that, regardless of what anyone's uncle has to say about it, it really isn't that much fun. Smoking crack fits right in with my theory that the use of cocaine as anything other than a local anesthetic is a serious waste of time, money, and dopamine. But I figure that since smoking crack is pretty stupid to begin with, if you're smoking it wrong, you're going to look like a real idiot. If you're going to smoke something named after a part of your ass, you should at least do it right.

You are going to need the following:

Now. Go ahead and pull everything off of the tire gauge, saving only the metal tube. This will become your crack pipe. If you aren't able to find a tire gauge for some reason, the little glass tubes that they sell fake roses in at gas stations will work in a pinch. You'll then want to cut off a piece of brillo pad about an inch long, and thick enough to fit snugly in the tube. This will act as your filter, since inhaling molten cocaine isn't very much fun. Insert this piece of brillo pad into the tube, so that it rests just a few millimeters from the lip. Go ahead and grab yourself a decent sized rock. Place it right on top of the brillo pad. No, you fool, the brillo pad inside the tube. You can safely ignore the one sitting on the table for now. You'll want to keep the tube tilted back at this point, so that your crack doesn't spill on the floor. Go ahead and light your lighter, and run it over the rock a few times to melt it to the brillo. Keep the tube tilted back, just to be safe. Place your lips on the opposite end of the tube. You'll want to apply the flame of the lighter to the rock in an on again/off again fashion, while inhaling and (this is important) rolling the tube back and forth with your fingers. The rolling of the tube ensures that the crack is evaporated evenly, without scorching it. Go ahead and inhale deeply, and hold for about five seconds. Exhale. Congratulations! You have now officially smoked crack. You and Marion Barry should have a smashingly good time together.

The observation of a crack-smoker named Walter, who, despite being a crackhead, could play one hell of a game of chess.
No, seriously. He kicked my ass. Why is everyone looking at me like that?

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