How it is done:

Dressing up for the occasion:

Women have some crazy notion that dirty clothes are - well, dirty. Get that second shirt you own out of the laundry, the one that you wore last summer to the Cow Branding Festival, and give it a sniff. Check out the yellow stains at the armpits - not too bad? Throw it on, over top of the one you have on now if you want - nobody'll know. Find something that smells faggy and spray it on. Examples of this are window cleaner, oven spray, or cow drench. Wipe a bit of the dust off your boots and you're ready to go!

The barn dance:

Your cousin Jimmy is known for his barn dances. There ain't much dancin' goin' on, so you don't need to worry about that. Make sure your pickup has a full tank of diesel, and the back is loaded up with flagons of your "special brew" and crates of beer. Your driving skills will directly influence your virility and right to mate, so ensure when you are approaching the venue that you are at top speed, and come to a stop with your pickup travelling in a side-ways motion. Mosey in with a crate under your arm, and seek out cousin Jimmy. Give him a hard slap on the back to ensure everyone is aware of your right to be there, and that therefore by-proxy this is your party. Look around the room and make a mental note of whom is your cousin or sister, and stamp that firmly on your mind - you'll need to know that a little later.


Females are always impressed by a man's ability to drink faster than his peers. Ensure you start the proceedings by downing an entire crate in the first 15 minutes, and before that kicks in, get out to your pickup and back again with two more crates. Sit on your alcohol, and don't let anyone have any as it means less for you to drink, and the gals will think you're giving away more than you're drinking. A trick to note here is that if you spill more down your front than manage to get into your mouth - it doesn't matter as it will make your shirt smell better, and helps cool you down, thus delaying the inevitable act of removing your shirt to show everyone your hairy, beer-bloated gut.

Attracting your mate (aka The hunt):

The only way a woman will know that you want to talk to her is if you stare at her and make her feel uncomfortable. Licking your lips and raising your eyebrows up and down suggestively is a good start toward making a woman aware of your intentions. If her boyfriend/husband looks over at you, mouth obscenities, and get into a fight with him if at all possible. Woman love a guy who can look after himself, thus proving to her his strength, and therefore virility and right to mate. Now is when your previous exercise in scoping out those related to you comes into play. If you realise that the woman you are leering at is your cousin, do not be alarmed. This is perfectly natural, and also legal. The chances of having mutant children with your cousin are lessened these days by the chemicals they make woman take from a very young age. If she is your sister however, show a little more caution as she is bound to know that you're only after a missus, and not interested in anything else - you'll have to try a little harder with her.

Baggin' one:

Gals have some kind of psychic link between them and this must be shut down at all costs, for with this fangled device they talk to each other, and will warn your target in their high-pitched frequency which you can't hear, of your intentions. The most effective weapon against this 6th sense is alcohol. Now gals only drink girly drinks like wine and spritzer and fizzypop, so make sure you top it up with copious gin and vodka. Once you have them in such a state that they start talking to you, display your wrangling technique by lassoing her and hog-tying her legs and arms. This will impress any other woman around whom you haven't managed to excite thus far.

The trip home:

By now you are so damn pissed, you can't even remember which side of the pickup the steering wheel is on, you still have to get your score back to your home turf. As she's also pissed, and woman can't hold their liquor, you don't want her puking in your pickup, so you need to strap her onto the bonnet. The engine will keep her nice and warm during the trip home, and it'll stop her from talking your ear off too. You're not likely to see anyone on the road heading towards you as they're all at cousin Jimmy's barn dance, or heading home from there. This means the whole road is yours, and if there are two lanes, not just one gravel one, you can use them both. If you pass anyone on the side of the road who has pulled over to have a chuck in the bushes, give them a long, loud toot of the horn and shout obscenities about being a pussy at them.

Arriving home:

Swing a leg wildly at the dog whose come sniffing around your catch, then stagger towards the door. Chances are you won't make it to the porch, but if you do, that is at least something because you'll be sheltered if it rains. When you fall down, ensure you head is turned to the side. In this way you won't hurt your face, and when you vomit in your comatose state, you won't choke on it as much.

The next morning:

Be prepared to wake with the sun on your face and the birds chirping happily around you. This you don't want, and it'll hurt like hell. Pick yourself up, wondering what all the hollerin' and cussin' is about and see the woman still tied to the bonnet of your pickup. Do not, under any circumstances, untie her in this state. Go inside the house and take off your drinking-shirt, and put your working-shirt back on again. You don't need to be dressed like a nancy to impress anyone today. Try to find out from your date where she lives, and take her over there. Stop in at a diner on your way and have a hearty breakfast of pig's trotters and beans, and a helluva' lot of coffee before continuing your trip. Feel free to do the gentlemanly thing and take some toast to your bride-to-be on the bonnet. Upon arriving at her house, ensure the rope is rigged such that you can untie her without leaving the cab of your pickup. Give a tug on the rope then gun it in a spray of gravel and dust before she recovers her feet and gives you a whoppin'.

Meeting the parents:

A few days later, once she has had a chance to calm down and realise how lucky she was that you fancied her, call around to her place. Ensure it is just before suppertime. When her pappy comes to the door, ensure you compliment him on his choice of shotgun and ask if you can come in. Walk right into the house as if you own it. Chick's parents love a man who knows his way around a stranger's home. Walk into the kitchen and compliment her mammy on her huge ass, and ask what's cookin'. This'll ensure you are asked for tea, and will save you fryin' up some beans at home. While you're at dinner, tell them what fine vittles and how horney their daughter makes you. Ensure her parents you'll love her and treat her right, and only beat her when she's out of line or gives you lip, and that they'll have hundreds of grandchildren to come and visit them. If none of this works, tell them you're pregnant, and she's the mother.

Marryin' her:

Don't do nothin' too fancy. Get cousin Jimmy to throw another one of his shin-digs, and get cousin Freeda, the one that's used for marryin' folks up North to come along and get ya hitched. At the after-match function, make sure you leer at other girls, both to make your new missus appreciate the fact that you chose her, and so that if she up and leaves you in the future for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's sick of cookin' and cleanin' and doin' chores and havin' babies and stuff, you've already set the ground work.

Good huntin' boys - yeeee ha!

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