December 7, 2009

Notes from the Surf

Weather Where You Are
http://geoipweather.com/
...without having to type in your location.

No Glass door
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7Aheoi1eeM
Some humor is more cruel than others.

Elevator Psychology
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTOwE3hnEWk
When in Rome... so much for individuality.

Best Pie Chart. Ever.
http://flowingdata.com/2009/11/26/fox-news-makes-the-best-pie-chart-ever/
Making do with those who couldn't get a job anywhere else.

Journeying into void
http://docs.google.com/View?id=dhbvr2gz_45hq9crw3z
It also hit upon me that all this time, I had never been an anarchist. Anarchism's rich history had always been anti-capitalist, and just now I was understanding why... When I reflect back on my past, I do somewhat appreciate what I learned. "Anarcho-"capitalism led me to discovering an enormous passion for studying socio-political theory, possibly the greatest passion I have ever had in my life. It taught me about legitimacy and justice

Rape-aXe: The Anti-Rape Condom
http://arkitipintel.com/2008/01/14/rape-axe-the-anti-rape-condom/
"If an attacker were to attempt vaginal rape, their penis would enter the latex sheath and be snagged by the barbs, causing the attacker pain during withdrawal and (ideally) giving the victim time to escape. The condom would remain attached to the attacker’s body when he withdrew and could only be removed surgically, which would alert hospital staff and police."

Election in Honduras: Soldiers ordered to destroy opposition to sham election
http://wsws.org/articles/2009/dec2009/hond-d01.shtml
"Over 1,000 people had marched to the central plaza and the San Pedro Sula Cathedral, where they sang the national anthem and carried crosses memorializing the dozens who have been killed during the last five months of repression... the soldiers set to work demolishing a truck that had carried sound equipment and posters protesting the illegitimate vote."

Election in Honduras: Army jams opposition radio
http://www.marxist.com/honduras-election-repression-boycott-resistance.htm
"On election day itself, a bomb went off outside the offices of the Women’s Rights Centre in San Pedro Sula. The headquarters of STIBYS, the trade union of beverage workers... were attacked with machine gun fire in a drive by shooting... radio station Canal 36... 80% of the time is off the air, because the Army is broadcasting a powerful signal on the same wavelength, particularly when the station is broadcasting news or opinions against the de facto government"

Election in Honduras: Witch hunt against opposition to ruling regime
http://wsws.org/articles/2009/nov2009/hond-n27.shtml
"mayors have reportedly been ordered by the armed forces to draw up lists of people considered to be opponents of the elections for possible detention... government will criminally prosecute anyone in the media who advocates a boycott of the November 29 vote...  incursion of cars bearing no license plates and with tinted windows, driven by heavily armed subjects, with their faces covered in ski masks in the neighborhoods identified with resistance to the coup."

Sin Patron: Stories From Argentina's Worker-Run Factories
http://www.zmag.org/znet/viewArticle/23212
"there is no law. It only exists for the powerful... We took firearms, and some neighbors lent us shotguns. We announced that we didn't want to shoot anyone, but..."

Huh, according to this, no one wrote in today's (December 7, 2009) daylog? Not sure where the E2 mainframe (that you hack to get into the system) is located, but it had a link on the homepage to get to December 8, 2009.

But for me it's the 7th. Happy Pearl Harbor Day. I like using holidays as excuses to write on e2. Maybe a homage to spewage. Here are a few things you shouldn't worry about on Pearl Harbor Day, etc.

I read the last three things I wrote on e2 before writing this. I really do wish everything was dated. Thanks to e2 I know when I moved into the big house with my girlfriend.

My ex-girlfriend.

I was noticing that reading the stuff on e2 I didn't ever really tell her story. Well I lived with her about 6.5 years and I was moved out the day after Veteran's Day (November 11). I first lived with her in an apartment she got, then she decided she wanted to own a condo and not rent. She wanted two condos right next to each other, and she needed my name on one of the loans. Then in October of 2006 (see how good everything being dated is) we moved into a big house she bought here with her family. She sold the house they lived in in California and we all moved in together here. The 20 days I spent with my parents (I wonder if I keep referencing past daylogs of mine if I can generate more hits) was me running away when she was talking about breaking up.

I really do feel stupid now, I thought she took me back and we'd get through our troubles. She doesn't want to be with me now, that seems certain. And now I'm living in that condo in my name.

I got a new cell phone tonight. I was thinking about being lonely and how I have no desire to call any of my friends and burden them with my bad mood tonight. I don't want to talk to people that don't want to talk to me. Made me wonder why I even have a phone. So work can get a hold of me I guess.

That sounds all depressed and mopey, but I'm actually feeling well right now. Well, it's good to write, at least. Dates. I love the timeline. I think I have figured out a few times on my own that I must have moved in with my ex's family in October-ish of 2006, but here it is on e2, within a week or so I bet.

These days I'm playing Dragon Age that unrequited bought for me, Chess and Go with jeep and Chess with a friend who isn't on e2. Oh and I'll be waiting tables at IHOP after a 10 year or so hiatus within a week. Four of you are invited to come eat for free on the 12th. Gratuities are appreciated.

Been cooking for myself. My financial situation is completely fucked. Living cheap is actually pretty easy for me. Maybe it's that when you don't want to do anything, doing it cheaply seems efficient.

There I go sounding depressed again. I really am comfortably numb.

I am an interaction junkie, though, and right now I can't see where I'm going to get my next big fix. I get gaming fixes, be it just talking about games or playing them. Dragon Age is great, but if you can't share your love for it it's much less exciting.

I had the Deuces Wild breakfast at Durango Lodge on Thanksgiving. How about them Broncos? I wonder if IHOP will be open on Christmas. If not maybe I'll write again.

i wrote this in my head, only moments ago. already fleeting and leaving me a bit cold.

it rains tonight. it rains all day. and it feels to me almost as if the day never did break.

i enjoy the silence, the stillness, even in a gust of wind. moody, and somehow fresh.

it rains tonight, and somehow reminds me of who i am-- best alone, left with my thoughts.

i feel the overwhelms, and mostly my hands want to sing. to call out and make music. but mostly in my head.

it rains tonight. it somehow awakens pieces of me; past, present, future and undone. the lost pieces, the hidden ones-- there, right there, hiding in the places that never speak. except perchance between the lines.

i wrote this in my head tonight, as it tempted rain, and it came out quite perfectly.

for a moment.

I had a decision point yesterday where I could have become an alcoholic. I had a small glass of wine and wanted more. I am rereading Claudia Black's It will never happen to me, about the way that children cope to survive in an alcoholic family. It was published in 1981 and I think that I read it that year.

I am the eldest child and the "responsible one". The "little parent". Very, very capable. And I am the one who acts out.

That leaves the "adjuster" and the "placator" for other siblings. Though all of the roles can be shared and traded by all.

There were a number of triggers that made me want to crawl in to the bottle. I feel that I have failed in a relationship, in a big way, and will go on failing. "Responsible ones" don't do failure very well. I am dating someone and I don't want to enable or be the enabler and I am afraid. I am afraid of failure there too. Yet, it's the healthiest and most intimate relationship that I've had. I keep testing it, because of course, trust is an issue. And lastly, I took the "are you an alcoholic" quiz in the back of the book. I answered a qualified yes, or sometimes, to three questions: it said "you are definitely an alcoholic." I said, "Bullshit." And then I thought about it and that you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic and then....

.....I wanted to crawl into the bottle. I wanted to drink the whole thing. I knew that if I did I would not be able to sing in the choral concert that night and I would stay in the bottle and I would hurt my daughter and my family and fail to open my medical practice and lose the relationship and all sorts of relationships.....

.....and I still wanted the anesthesia. Freedom. Darkness. Oblivion. Even being sick as a dog, which I am if I have more than two drinks. I get sick on two drinks if I am too tired.

I wrote a poem about wanting to crawl in the bottle.

I got dressed for the concert.

My daughter called from a birthday party. She had started feeling sick and I went immediately to rescue her. I put her straight to bed at 6:00 pm.

My partner showed up with soup and I ate the soup, feeling cared for.

No time for makeup.

I got in the car and went to the concert and sang. The orchestra was wonderful and festive and the chorus was dressed in black with Christmas scarves or shirts or vests. The audience gave us a standing ovation after we sang. They loved it.

I made the right choice. But it is hard for me not to sympathize with those who choose the bottle. And it felt like a near thing.

Blessings on the season and tears for the lost.