Spent most of the day staring at the wall.

Ana and Kelly tried to prod me out of it with phone calls and messages. They got me to shower for the first time since... Tuesday? I can't remember.

Don't want to move. Don't want to eat. Had something to drink, which, due to the lack of food, had me stumbling around. Not tempted to do it again, mainly because more alcohol would cost money.

Can't stop crying. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. It's not like I haven't been sick before, or broke before, or lacking in future prospects before.

I keep hoping that if I close my eyes and don't move, it'll all go away. Or at least I can pretend it will.

I've got a month to work it out. Or else.

Or else.

I had a brother once
we shared half a blood
and even though i know
half isn't the real thing
i knew this blood made the skin
on which we had the same spots
which we shared as well

he is my phantom limb
and worst of all
he doesn't know what that means, that
two of my ventricles are him

sometime i would like to
put a hand over his
eyebrow scar and ask if he knows
where that came from and if he
remembers how the rain smells on
our earth and the heat that would later on
turn it all into grassy unbearable steam choking us
while i sat on the sidewalk trying to stop the blood
dripping from that same eyebrow

(it's been years and a land
close to the sea has superimposed its
landscape over this one)

"The individual may experience psychological trauma as well as emotional discomfort. The stump will remain an area of reduced mechanical stability. Limb loss can present significant or even drastic practical limitations. A large proportion of amputees (50-80%) experience the phenomenon of phantom limbs; they feel body parts that are no longer there. These limbs can itch, ache, burn, feel tense, dry or wet, locked in or trapped or they can feel as if they are moving. Some scientists believe it has to do with a kind of neural map that the brain has of the body, which sends information to the rest of the brain about limbs regardless of their existence. Phantom sensations and phantom pain may also occur after the removal of body parts other than the limbs, e.g. after amputation of the breast, extraction of a tooth (phantom tooth pain) or removal of an eye (phantom eye syndrome)."1

and this
this burning on my neck
on our neck of our skin
this where we have the same sunspots
is going to be a fever forever
until he comes back and dies
in this river


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