A bombshell is a woman-shaped natural phenomenon not covered under the terms of most insurance policies. The return of the bombshell as an ideal and lifestyle choice was officially heralded in The Bombshell Manual of Style by Laren Stover, although rockabilly, swing, and retrogoth kitties have been keeping the faith for years. Classic examples include:
The energy of the bombshell is created through the internal combustion of contradictory impulses and traits:
The bombshell is not to be confused with: a chippy, a train wreck, a disease-vector navel exposer, or a sex-for-self-esteem trollop. The bombshell is fond of stilettos, tight sweaters, seamed stockings, and fishnets because she revels in her body, not because she's been deluded into participating in Cosmo prostitute-chic.
In the bombshell's refrigerator you will find:
According to Stover, there are two types of bombshell tantrums*:
*redhead tantrums are not discussed in the book, possibly because if Stover told, the CIA would have to kill her, as redhead tantrums are currently being researched as a military weapon. Eyewitness accounts of redhead tantrums are also hard to come by, as witnesses tend to dissolve into gibbering, incoherent, post-traumatic shock shellcases once the first neuron lights up that particular memory tree.
While a blonde will stomp and splash her drink in your face or throw mercifully soft objects, the brunette will smash all your crockery in syncopation with a rant that would leave the most merciless poetry slammer gasping in awe. The bombshell gets away with her tantrums because they are subject to the Laws of Thermodynamics and lead to great make-up whoopie.
For bombshells-in-training, the following films are essential:
- Walking barefoot in the rain down an urban street without a) grievous bodily injury or b) having to watch the ground.
- Looking as good with bed head as she does coming out of the beauty shop.
- Getting everything done without a day-planner, Palm Pilot or any particular routine, rhyme, or reason. Although she may write notes to herself on the backs of receipts, these will promptly get lost in the bottom of her pocketbook.
- Has incredible glowing-from-within sex appeal regardless of body type, from the slim (Lauren Bacall) to the voluptuous (Mae West). Maybe it's all those champagne and bubble bath evenings, but somehow she also keeps her sensuality vibrant and real at any age, too.
Further reading: The Bombshell Manual of Style, Laren Stover, 2001.