To the manufacturers of Navel Lint™,

I’ve never seen much of a use for your product, and while I assume there are practical applications for small fluff clusters, I don’t think it’s for me. With that in mind, I have intentionally never made a purchase, but these free samples you routinely send me must stop!

On the other hand, I do find your Earwax™ applications quite useful. Although at times, you do send me a little much, and my headphones get a little funky, I am satisfied with the service overall.

While your full line of Mucus™ products is entirely disgusting, I’m afraid it is just something I can’t live without.

Sam Pearson

P.S. I would also like to cancel my subscription to Toe Jam™ and whatever you call that crud in my eyelashes.

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